Introspective and masturbatory. You have been warned.
In dealing with Barb-related issues for the past few months, I have to wonder whether I am relationship material.
Sure, I tend to be super-critical of myself. But I don't know where I sit with dealing with a partner.
Every relationship has its own rules. I get that. Every relationship is different. Yet at the same time, I think that I bring a certain amount of stability into the relationship, at least with my expectations and the way that I deal with things.
Have I been too critical of Barb? Not critical enough? Does criticism have anything to do with it?
There are a lot of things that I should have done.
I should have been stronger.
Meaning that I should have had more courage in dealing with confronting her when things bothered me. Instead, I took it on myself to be accommodating without really looking at how I felt about something.
I should have not let her get away with the things that I let her get away with.
Hmm... not quite right. I think that any person is responsible for their own behavior. It wasn't up to me to "let her" get away with things. I did express my displeasure with some things (the kitchen, the Room Where No One Walks), I offered a schedule of chores, I asked for specific dates of things to get done. Nothing worked. I finally gave up.
That's the point. I shouldn't have given up. I should have pressed the issue, or walked out a long time ago. I should have had the courage to say no.
Why didn't I?
Because I'm a nice guy?
I can still be a nice guy and have courage.
I can still be a nice guy and be able to express my displeasure or disappointment.
I can be a nice guy and walk away from a harmful relationship if it would be a better thing to do.
I can be a nice guy and still cause you pain.
I am truly a sweet, wonderful, caring person.
I need to be a strong person.
I need courage. I need strength. I need to find it inside myself.