Distraction. That's what I'll call it.
Working on the zombie/corpse has been more of a distraction than anything. I certainly am enjoying the messy hands-on work and the distinct artistic flavor of the whole thing, it's also helping to take my mind off of other more annoying things. Things which I really can't do anything about right now (like money and the house), and things which have been weighing very heavily on my mind for some time (like the end of the relationship dragging on and on).
It feels right to be able to do something else that can take me away from fretting about things that I can't do anything about right now. But I worry that this is falling back into a pattern of not dealing with things, and avoidance.
I suppose that avoidance is not dealing with things when you *do* have the ability to deal with them, where not dealing with things that you can't do anything about is something else entirely. The trick is in knowing which is which.
For instance: dealing with Barb. I could do something about that. I could say "get yer stuff out, I never want to see you again". Assuming that she took me to heart on that, it would put an end to the dragging-out part. And part of me thinks that would be a good solution. The other more rational part realizes that we have to maintain some contact: we have shared pets and shared friends, and the house ownership issue is one that I can't ignore. And really, I would like to remain friends with Barb. There are many things that I do like about her-- I just don't want to live with her anymore.
But that's the hard part. I know that I can't just close up twelve years worth of emotional tosspotting into a neat little package and have everything be okay. And I know that Barb is having a worse time of it. I can certainly argue that she brought a lot of it on herself, but that really doesn't matter in the final total. It still hurts like a sonofabitch.
From my point of view, I was betrayed. I trusted that no matter what, we would be together, that even if she got emotionally attached to someone else, I would still be primary and inseparable.
What actually happened is that she latched on to the first guy that showed interest in breeding, and decided he was a better fit for her than I was (turns out he wasn't, but that's another story entirely).
To be nice, I accept that she and I want different things. I want a career doing creative things, fame and fortune. She wants a home, family, and children.
I don't think that the two are completely incompatible, but there have to be compromises. And I was doing all of the compromising.
The woman wants to breed. NOW. And if you have lived with her for any length of time, you realize just how frightening that thought is for the children.
I have nothing against children. I think that raising a family is a huge responsibility, and for those that choose to handle it, I have great respect. But it's that responsibility part that makes me worry about Barb having children. She seems to think that having a baby would suddenly make her responsible, that it would force her to do all of those things that she wasn't willing (or able) to do before.
Maybe it would. I don't know.
But I'm not willing to gamble the safety and welfare of one or more children on that happening. I lived with this woman for twelve years. I know what she's like.
And I've told her this. More than once. It's a really good way to piss her off.
From her point of view, she has lost everything that she was trying to build. Home and family are gone. She's really devastated. And I feel bad for her. But I also know that I can't do anything for her anymore. She was holding me back, and I was holding her back. And that's not fair to either of us.
(Boy, for being distracted, I can get pretty obsessed.)
For other distractions: I'm getting back into screenplay mode. On one hand, I have a short suspense/thriller that I have outlined that I really need to get down as a screenplay. On another hand, I have a great urge to do a horror film.
Now I do have a really nice gothic-flavor ghost story that has some really wonderful elements to it, but it's a feature and I'm not quite capable of producing a feature-length movie right now.
A short I can handle.
Tony has a script ready for his next short. It's a comedy; it should be fun to shoot, but a bear to edit (comedy timing is a bitch). But I need to shoot and direct my film to fulfill this wild hair/ass thing. (Or is it wild hare? Hell, I know which one would get me moving faster.)
So do I consider my pursuit of things of horror and my sudden interest in hot goth babes as a distraction, or as a healthy pursuit?