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I suppose it's because it's been such a long time since I wasn't with somebody on Thanksgiving. I didn't think it would affect me, but I was not entirely accurate in that estimation.

First of all, many great thanks to ez2beve for inviting me down for Thanksgiving. It was wonderful to have a place to belong, and getting to share with windelina and the Monte was much nice, and having whopping dog-time was a happy thing as well.

Verily we did eat turkey and stuffing and pie and cornbread and cheese and crackers and dumplings and other yummy food, and verily we did watch movies (Ju-On and the Chronicles of Riddick), and sleep the sleep of the tryptophan-induced. And today we braved the elements to go and see National Treasure (which turned out to be a lot more fun than I was expecting). And I got a few minutes to hang out with Bryan and give him his early Christmas present (a set of Craftsman tools, which he badly needs).

Windelina and Monte are cute together. And unfortunately, I ended up being affected by the cuteness, which is entirely my own issue. I found little pangs of something like a cross between envy and homesickness, which I was really NOT expecting, and for which I was completely unprepared.

I decided to come back to DM tonight. I have some things that I really want to do, and having the weekend will let me be a little more relaxed about them. But since I got back earlier than I had originally thought I would, I decided to head out to another strip club. In a fit of serendipity, both Bryan mentioning the idea and hearing an ad for a new place that opened not too far away from the apartment made the decision for me.

Pandora's Box. As it turned out, an apt name.

I probably shouldn't have gone.

The utter falseness of the whole situation fought me the whole way, and made any eroticity evaporate like piss on a sauna heater. It just wasn't fun. Well, I take that back-- I did get a really nice lap dance from a dancer who understood my desire to be more sensual and touching than the usual, and did a lot of neck-kissing things-- but it is smackdown-hard that I am not in the mood for the illusion of affection. Super fly-fishing fucktards, I wish I was, because I can get that.

(Yeah. I can just see motel666 laughing her ass off at my misery.)

So now I am in something of an organic quandry. What I desire, I don't want. Or I can't have. Or vice-versa. Or something else-- I'm all cornfused. I don't want to admit weakness, and I think that I have to in order to make this right with myself.

But not tonight. Tonight I go to bed smelling sweetly of strippers and stale cigarette smoke and pool table felt. It's a melange that hits my hindbrain like a sack of wet kittens, and brings my conscious mind to my knees.

I will deal with it tomorrow. Tonight I will dream what I need to dream, and see what shakes out in the morning.

In good news, I found my pants.


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 27th, 2004 01:29 am (UTC)
Hope you tipped her well. That kind of fakery is expensive.

She probably laughed really hard at you once you were gone. You know that, right? The custies who want "the girlfriend experience" are universally ridiculed.

Nov. 27th, 2004 07:36 am (UTC)
Ohh, ow, could you possibly shove the knife a little deeper? You missed a spot.

Yes, I did tip her well. I am nothing if not appreciative.
Nov. 27th, 2004 01:18 pm (UTC)
Sorry, baby...it's just that I like you too much to let you be a customer. You've gotta avoid that shit! It's not good for anyone!

Nov. 27th, 2004 03:31 pm (UTC)
I've got no excuses, just being a fool.

Hey, at least I didn't buy a red sports car and hook up with a blonde bimbo.
Nov. 27th, 2004 04:17 pm (UTC)
Just posted...check it out, baby.

Nov. 27th, 2004 01:36 am (UTC)
are you online?
Nov. 27th, 2004 01:41 am (UTC)
I see their is a filtered post in said journal I cant read

Nov. 27th, 2004 07:36 am (UTC)
Now I am.
Nov. 27th, 2004 08:01 am (UTC)
What I like ..
I'm sure I may have expressed this before, but it seems appropriate.

One of the things I enjoy about BDSM is it's many variations. No matter the perception people have of what 'it' is, it can be part and parcel of anything you like.

If you remember back to my initial LJ - it was in reference to what I like. Now, there are some heavy edgeplay things that I enjoy tremendously. But, I rarely get to enjoy those.

My day to day preference is for the more sensual. I like seeing pretty things. I enjoy using implements people associate with pain to bring pleasure. I like making non-sensual situations highly erotic.

Part of what I like is sensation play. The use of textures to enhance sensuality. I like sensory deprivation play. Not because of the deprivation, but because of the other hightened sensations that come from it. I enjoy belly dancing and english tea services. These are all part of the same things for me. They are all sensual and erotic.

They are not specifically sexual. Any one of them 'can' be, if I want it to be or allow it to be so. But, they really do not start out that way. And, most often for me, they never turn into that.

They are a way for me to get my touchy feely, voyeuristic, sensual, kid in a candy store feelings appeased in a manner that does not overwhelm or bother another person.

PS. Strip clubs... sorry, bad plan man. You'd be better off searching out a restaurant where they do live belly dance shows during the meal. Or, the sushi house that serves on a girly. Or, something like that. Those are vanilla enough to find in normal towns. Yet, fun enough and real enough to make it interesting. Not to mention, you meet the coolest people there.

Nov. 27th, 2004 08:16 am (UTC)
Re: What I like ..
Great post. :)

I think I just lost my way for a day or two. You know, I know this stuff. In my head. And really, I'm usually pretty good at not walking into the big open pit that has the sign that says "WARNING: BIG OPEN PIT".

I think that I get the sensate play, or at least I am beginning to understand it. I want a chance to explore that more, but it really needs to be with the right person/people/insert category here.

And I think that while I'm still capable of making foolish decisions, I need to be a little more careful.

BTW: as for things that are available in the land of "plain vanilla"... I think this city would outlaw French Vanilla as being too spicy if they could. No naked sushi.
Nov. 27th, 2004 08:59 am (UTC)
I don't know if I should roll my eyes or be exasperated. So, instead, you get the "crankmo" icon.

Hopefully the blush is off the strip club experience, so it can stop serving as a substitute for what you really want.
Nov. 27th, 2004 09:10 am (UTC)
Lots of thoughts here. I'm in the midst of writing a post about it anyway, but rolling your eyes or exasperation is a good spank.

I know what the strip club experience should be. And I know what it shouldn't be. I know this. And yet I walked right into it.

But serving as a substitute for what I really want? I don't know what that is yet. There are a lot of things that I want in relationship land.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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