anxiousLots of little things niggling at my subconscious today.
South Park last night did a number on Paris Hilton, and on stupid spoiled whores in general. Laughed my ass off at the Lemmiwinks callback, but the deeper message remains.
Celebrity just for the sake of celebrity is fleeting. True talent will remain.
Don't get me wrong. I love bimbos. They are a lot of fun to play with. But for something to be longer lasting, to have some longevity, there needs to be something more.
You see, I have this secret crush on brainy women. I suppose it's part of why I enjoy the geek community.
No, it's not just intelligence. That is but one facet of a multi-faceted facet-y thing. Talent and creativity are must-haves as well. Sense of humor. Charisma.
And an ass like a steel trap.
Okay, that last one isn't absolutely critical. I really don't have a need to catch bears with somebody's ass. But you know, I am attracted to the physical. And I don't find that hypocritical: I expect the same from myself. And I know that right now, I don't find myself physically attractive.
Shove off, Narcissus.
I look at myself in the mirror. I can't avoid it in my bathroom, since there are mirrors on three walls. And I am making progress toward a reasonably decent physique. I'm never going to be small. And I don't think I'm ever going to fit into the "ideal" height/weight chart that hangs on the wall in my doctor's office. But I hope to look at least acceptably proportional, along with the ability to do things that I can't do now.
Is any of this surprising?
Some of it is a little strange to me. I'm learning to accept things about myself. And I was fighting myself in the acceptance of physical beauty. Consciously, I wanted to not be tied to cultural concepts, but I am still manipulated by my orbs when it comes to women. And rather than fighting, I've decided to accept that, acknowledge it, and let it be what it needs to be. Which is a part of a greater whole.
I expect that I will eventually get involved in a serious relationship again. And I fully expect that physicality (including sex) will be a part of that relationship. But after the sex, I want to be able to talk, and ponder things like the nature of consciousness and whether it can be modeled, whether the soul exists, the nature of reality and illusion, and stuff like that. And I want to be able to play and have fun.
Is that too much to ask?