You are fresh-ground coffee, black, first thing
in the morning.
You are a life-giving substance. The US government
has secret stockpiles of you hidden in caverns
under the Rockies. When for some reason you
are late to a meeting, world financial markets
are thrown into chaos. Your presence can cure
warts and mild depression, and when you enter a
room, you diffuse a gentle fragrance that
reminds people of the happiest moment of their
childhoods. Cats and children adore you; they
curl up at your feet, where they torment small
crawling things and occasionally lick your
What kind of coffee are you?
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Well, this is boring. I don't even like coffee. Though I do like my toes licked more often than not.