Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

All the birds in the trees seem to whisper .

Some days I think we'd be better off without meetings. This morning's meeting went into territory of hugely abstract design issues, and ended up violating a lot of my sensibilities as a designer. So much of this design architecture is based around abstractions that it ends up being hugely complex where it doesn't need to be; something simple would work better.

And it's going to end up biting them in the ass.

Notice that I say "them". I have no ownership of this product, imagined or otherwise. I don't want to be associated with it, other than as an experiential reference.

But I'm afraid that after being exposed to this grotesquerie for over a year, I may pick it up through osmosis.

I need a brain condom. Or a Mental Dam.

Okay. Messing about with womanizing. Where do I need to be in my development (or restructuring) before I am ready to become "available" in the greater sense? What do I need to accomplish? How will I know when I'm there?

Or are these the wrong questions to be asking?

Currently I have some issues to deal with.
Self-confidence is probably the biggest one, because it did take quite a beating over the last Σ(n) years.
Body image-- strongly tied to self-confidence.
My ability to be a good partner in a relationship... That's a tough nut to crack. Everybody has different expectations from a relationship, and from a partner (or partners). I think the only thing I can do is to have some core values and skills. The values part I think I'm okay on. It's the skills that I'm more worried about.
Communication is probably the biggest necessary skill. And it goes beyond talking and listening, it includes expressing and understanding as well. And those things are so tightly tied to personas that I don't think they are directly skill-able.
But I do think there are some even more primitive skills that are parts of expressing and understanding that can be worked on. I don't know that they have names, or at least I haven't identified them yet. Feedback, repeating, filtering... Along with patience and non-judgementalism. Co-operation. Knowing when to capitulate and know when to stand firm.

So there is really this quandry that I have. I won't really know that I'm ready to be in a relationship until I have already spent time enough with someone to understand whether I can fit with them. And by that time, we're already in a relationship, non?

So how do I figure out when I'm ready to try? How do I determine whether I am even ready to date?

There's a can o' worms.
I really do place a high priority on things like integrity and honesty and responsibility and keeping promises that you make. That probably comes from issues with my father, who was not above lying outright when he thought it was for my own good, or when he just wanted me to do something. It really damaged my relationship with him on a permanent basis, and to this day it really colors my hatred of the end-justifies-the-means mentality.

In a relationship, I expect those things (honesty, integrity, responsibility) from my partner(s). Heck, I expect them from my friends. You wanna get on my bad side real quick, just keep lying to me and break your promises. I can forgive a lot of things, but if you repeatedly screw up, I learn really quick to not trust you. And really, if I can't trust you, why would I want to be around you?

Everything you knew was wrong.

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