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Relationshipship part VI: a new hope


This same topic has come up three times in the last week or so in different contexts, and usually when that happens, it leads me into the ice-floe-jumping game of synchronicity.

I am a meat puppet. I revel in the pleasures of the flesh, primarily because I can. I have learned moderation in most forms as I've gotten older, but I still have a real Hard-on¹ for sex.

To me, having a "romantic" relationship involves sexuality and sexplay. I like sex. It's something special to be shared and enjoyed mutually.

But I've seen relationships where sex has become a tool of manipulation. Hell, I've been in relationships like that. Sex was used as a reward for doing something good, and withholding sex a punishnemt for the bad.

Certainly sex isn't a duty. It's not something that you should be forced into against your will. But neither should it be used as the proverbial carrot-on-the stick² and used to correct the actions of your partner.

I mean ding-dang-doodle³, if you actually don't like having sex with me in the long term, there's probably something bigger that's wrong in our relationship.ª

And should you choose to withhold sex in an attempt to coerce me into changing my behavior, the behavior that I change may not be the one that you want.

Here's the big point: if you don't respect me enough to talk to me about something that you have an issue with, and instead resort to a rewards & punishment theme like I'm some sort of a salivating dog, I will resent that. And resentment breeds contempt.

And I have enough contempt in my life, thanks.



¹ not a real hard-on.
² unfortunate phallic metaphor
³ I don't really mean ding-dang-doodle.
ª Not you, Tony.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
jmanna
Dec. 14th, 2004 01:15 pm (UTC)
I don't get the withholding sex thing either. I /like/ sex.

Though many men claim a woman is 'withholding sex' when really their partner is so disgusted with him she doesn't want to be intimate.

However if it's an obvious 'give me what I want or I won't sleep with you' well that makes the person no more then a whore not smart enough to get money.

Sex is not a tool. It's an expression.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 14th, 2004 04:40 pm (UTC)
yup.
I agree with jmanna...why would I punish myself for something my partner did that I didn't like?

But then again, when I am annoyed I don't feel intimate...I feel like sulking like a big baby.

Relationships with people who think you need to be "punished" or "taught a lesson" or "kept track of" (A.K.A. "manipulated and controlled" are not recommended by Dr. Trees.
magicmarmot
Dec. 14th, 2004 05:44 pm (UTC)
Though many men claim a woman is 'withholding sex' when really their partner is so disgusted with him she doesn't want to be intimate.

Certainly-- but if that is the issue, then it needs to be addressed, either through communication or just plain terminating the relationship.

Of course, there are those "I hate you but I won't let you go" scenarios, which are from another planet entirely.

However if it's an obvious 'give me what I want or I won't sleep with you' well that makes the person no more then a whore not smart enough to get money.

I'm not talking about things so much as behaviors. Like "I'm not having sex with you until you lose 30 lbs", or "start dressing better", or "make more money".
(Anonymous)
Dec. 14th, 2004 05:14 pm (UTC)
Sadly, some people (please note the lack of gender specification)will always see sex as a means of power. I've learned to pity people like that.

Me? Well, when I'm not dealing with bone-crushing depression, sex is amazing. It's comforting, exciting, invigorating, spiritual, and it's even a low-impact workout to boot. What's not to like?

Also -- and this is where I may gross some people out -- I've found that sex is something that actually seems to improve with age. Sure, youth has its passion, but now that I'm pushing Middle Age, I'm finding that patience in the sack is just so much more rewarding.

So yeah, sex is wonderful.

Now to the point: Anyone who uses sex as a control tool is -- just like a person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter -- NOT a nice person. Deal with them at your peril, or, better still, DON'T.

Just MHO.
eldogo
Dec. 15th, 2004 12:19 am (UTC)
I always thought I'd be really, really vulnerable to sexual manipulation. It's one of the reasons I don't make a lot of romantic overtures in my life.

That, and the crippling fear of rejection.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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