I ended up being kinda cranky last night, and it seems like almost
nothing I said was what I had intended to say, and just came out wrong.
Some of that is carrying over into today.
I was kinda wanting to talk to somebody last night about something that
happened, but when I thought of all the people that I could call, I
already knew what all of them were going to say. And the reason that I
am feeling bad isn't really because of the primary issue-- I already
know what action I am taking there, and I have no doubts.
It's the more subtle things. Knowing that I have chosen to go into bleak
and lonely territory because the alternative would be worse. Knowing
that with one moment of weakness, I could undo all of the work that I've
Some days are harder than others. Some days the loneliness gets to me,
and I ache in that deep way that makes you feel the emptiness of
the universe. Some days I get angry and impatient and wonder why I don't
have somebody who loves me. Some days I wonder if I am worthy of being
loved, and wonder what is wrong with me that I am not.
Those are the bad days.
There are a lot of them.