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In Dreams...

Dream last night where I was on some sort of trailer or wagon tied to a post naked while hordes of naked mailmen threw rotten eggs at me. It wasn't like they were actually angry, it was like it was their job, and they were just being professional.

Somehow all the more disturbing.

Holiday depression has settled like a great albatross upon my head. He seems to like it there, because it's warm. Makes it difficult to fit through doorways though.

Stiff today for some reason. Worked out on the bike last night, nothing unusual, but today I'm having a hard time moving my arms. Maybe a little left over from Monday's workout, since I did overhead tricep curls, and that seems to be the stiffest part. I'll probably blow out again tonight and do a big workout, since pain seems to be so satisfying.

Odd turn of phrase. Meaning was supposed to be that the physical pain of working out and pushing myself to new goals leaves me with a feeling of at least partial satisfaction. Endorphins, accomplishment, what have you, it feels good to be doing something toward personal goals. It doesn't feel like enough; it feels like pissing in the wind, like the end goal is so fucking huge that I can never possibly get there.
Intellectually, I know I can. I know it will just take time. Journey of a thousand miles, and all that. Emotionally, base instinct says otherwise.

That and it's really difficult to do overhead tricep curls with an albatross on your head.

I've decided to go back on the Avandamet, but I'm cutting the dose in half. It's a compromise, since my glucose levels have been higher than I would like. It's still expensive, but taking half as much might make it at least manageable.

I have a lot of stuff I need to do. I need to put dishes in the dishwasher, put mom-food away, harrass my laundry, put together a rather extensive proposal on lighting equipment, write, and just generally work on myself. But someone has also given me a lovely idea, which I will attempt to explain.

Something that some of my friends have been doing is a regular "Date Night". They set aside one night a week to be committed to each other, rather than be distracted by projects. I think it's an absolutely wonderful idea. Thing is, I had never even considered having a date night with myself, and I probably need it more now than ever before. I think I might do something this weekend, like dinner and a movie. Heck, maybe I'll even get lucky.

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April 2012


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