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Quandry: Craving the intimate interactions of human flesh, but still feeling too vulnerable to become emotionally involved.

Resolution: the concept of fuckbuddies has come up more than once. Kind of a crude name for the concept, but essentially we're talking about a friend who is amenable to sexplay, but isn't looking to get involved in a relationship.

(Bear in mind that we are talking responsible and consensual sexplay here.)

Is this a good idea? On one hand, there is the satisfaction of the need for physical intimacy and human touch, the advancement of trust and exposure to a level of vulnerability that may be necessary for healing.
On the other, with vulnerability comes risk. Risk of emotional involvement, risks of one person wanting to continue when the other person doesn't, risk of hurt feelings.

Fuckbuddies: good or bad idea

Hell yes! There are times when sex and friendship go great together.
It can be a really good idea, as long as everyone plays by the rules and you don't get further involved.
Sounds fun, but it really never works out. Feelings always get hurt.
Absolutely not. Never mix friends and sex. It's a great way to lose a friend.
Jeez. Just pay for a hooker already.


( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 30th, 2004 07:45 pm (UTC)
My answer is longer than any of yours.

If physical companionship is all of what you need right now, I think that calling a professional escort out of the phonebook might be a good idea for you right now - but only because it seems like you're conflicted on where sexual relationships and friendships intersect and you need more time to sort those things out for yourself. My biggest concern is that it might be tough for you to decide what the rules would be.
Dec. 30th, 2004 07:58 pm (UTC)
That is a good answer. I'm not particularly stable in a lot of areas.
Dec. 30th, 2004 08:02 pm (UTC)
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
Quandry: Craving the intimate interactions of human flesh,

Naturally, my eyes processed it this way:

eat your meat, Quandry: craving human flesh

that's a whole different problem!
Dec. 30th, 2004 09:28 pm (UTC)
Which brings up a rather off-the-wall question: is eating human flesh illegal? This is assuming that the killing and processing was done by somebody else.
Dec. 30th, 2004 09:40 pm (UTC)
Go to http://www.crimelibrary.com

It is rather interesting.....
Dec. 30th, 2004 10:06 pm (UTC)
I believe the answer is, yes, it's illegal.

article from a crime library

apparently it wasn't outlawed explicitly in Germany (cf. the sexual consensual cannibalism case)

I can't find any case law at Findlaw or in the other searchable US Code sites. Perhaps they figured the Framers wanted this matter left up to the states :-p
Dec. 30th, 2004 09:06 pm (UTC)
You do have to be careful w/fuck buddies. You can NOT get emotionally attached. If you do, you end up getting hurt in the end......

You could always get laid at a convention:) (so speaks the voice of my experience.....(ahhhh...memories) :)
Dec. 30th, 2004 09:26 pm (UTC)
I haven't had much luck at conventions, though honestly I've not really been trying.
Dec. 30th, 2004 09:41 pm (UTC)
Well, you do have to put some sort of effort into it. Go to www.adultfriendfinders.com

Yes, I am a naughty girl:)
Dec. 30th, 2004 09:28 pm (UTC)
I had a fuck buddy off and on for over 25 years. And, yes, it was the same person. We had a great time together, whenever we were both between romantic partners. (And, sometimes, as I found out later, when he was currently attached to someone else.)

But, he wasn't really a friend. I ended up figuring out that I didn't really like or respect him. It was all about the sex. And it was still hard to break it off with him. He didn't understand that I really wanted to call everything off. He ended up assuming that whenever I ran into him that we were going to end up in bed together. It took a long time to get it through his head that I just didn't want to.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have a fuck buddy that is a friend, and how difficult it would be for either of the buddies not to get too carried away / hopeful / delusional about the no-involvement state of the relationship.

I would say that, before getting into a buddy relationship with someone, sit down and talk about it. Make sure she wants just a sexual thing, and not a relationship. And realize that, even if she's not deluding herself, she may end up changing her mind about what she wants.

Proceed with caution.
Dec. 30th, 2004 09:36 pm (UTC)
Oof. The changing her mind thing.

That bit me in the ass once already, in a different context. Caution is much good here.
Dec. 31st, 2004 12:39 am (UTC)
MLE sounds pretty close.

I don't do Fuck Buddies. (Pun intended) Because I need more then sex. I want more then sex. For me, personally, sex is an avenue to and expression of intimacy of an emotional nature. I want more then a fuck buddy is supposed to give. It's not fair to the other person whose looking for not attachments, just some physical comfort. It's not fair to me, because I'm left feel unsatisfied and somehow a bit emptier then I started.

I personally cannot detach the physical intimacy from the emotional intimacy and recognize that.

Honestly, from your posts, I suspect you may have the same. Because if it was purely sex I don't think you would have so much trepidation.
Dec. 31st, 2004 03:56 am (UTC)
This is possible. However, I've really been involved with someone in a serious manner for about 20 years, and have had very few "external" sexual adventures.
It's more about exploring avenues and options. It may be entirely true that I can't separate the two, but it's also something that I'm willing to at least explore.

I feel like I need a couple of years to become emotionally ready to be a partner to someone. I don't know if I can be physically that distant for so long. Particularly down here, where I don't know anybody, and I don't have physical human interaction at all.

Certainly I would like both. But I'm not going there until I feel it's right, and I don't want to become emotionally involved with someone just because of physical needs. That would be extremely shitty.
Dec. 31st, 2004 04:15 pm (UTC)
I get where you're at. I personally feel I have some oats to sow, dammit.

However, in order to "just play and explore" I need to constantly monitor my state of mind and be in a place where I'm strong enough to walk away and take care of myself. I think it's possible to just play as long as you are always ready and willing to let go. THe moment you find yourself or the other person trying to cling, you've failed at the fuck buddy and/or friends-with-benefits mindset.

And don't feel so strongly about getting some that you lose your personal standards or compromise your own well-being. THe hard part about going through shit is that you often have to deny yourself to take care of yourself. Only you know what you have the strength, willpower, and peace of mind to handle.
Dec. 31st, 2004 05:12 pm (UTC)
I'm definitely in anti-cling mode right now, though I know that I need to keep a watchful eye if I ever do get into the situation.

It's only an intellectual exercise anyway, at least right now. The options aren't really there to explore beyond the intellectual pursuits of whether I should consider it.

And don't feel so strongly about getting some that you lose your personal standards or compromise your own well-being.
Yes-- this frightens me. I know that I could fall into this trap in many different ways, and be completely oblivious to it at the time. My biggest fear is that I would become emotionally involved with someone just because it was an easy avenue to sex, but I'd be confusing it with love.

This is some hard stuff to work through.
Jan. 3rd, 2005 02:16 am (UTC)
FB's. Not what I was expecting my first comment in your blog to be about. Oh well... ;-)

FB's are not unusual in the gay community. It seems to be a recognition of a transitory need between friends and serious relationships. From listening to others, they seem to generally be happy with the results, at least if they start out as friends and then agree to move to FB status. I think that might help things later on as they have a pre-existing relationship of respect and trust that they can extend and modify as needed.

And I guess I'm quite a bit behind on the news on your front...

Jan. 3rd, 2005 02:19 am (UTC)
Well Ding Dang Doodly! Hi Wayne!

Yeah, lotsa news since I've seen you last.

Short news: Barb and I split up, I'm currently living in Iowa for work until Spring. Neither is conducive to happiness, but them is what them is.

More details later.

How are things in your neck of the woods?
Jan. 3rd, 2005 02:24 am (UTC)
Unemployed since August, contemplating my own business and getting married on July 4th.

I'll save the details for email...
Jan. 3rd, 2005 02:26 am (UTC)
BTW, use my address:

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )

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