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Amo, amas, amat.

Early in the morning. Buttloads of snow, and the lone snow-removal dude is out there in a cold-as-hell front-end-loader trying to find places to put the snow he's plowing up. I figure if he's still going at 3 in the morning, at least he has job security.

Why am I awake? I woke up a while ago all stiff from the workout last night. A little over 2 hours. I really lose track of time in that place.
Can't say that I was having bad dreams, because I don't think I was asleep enough to be dreaming. Just uncomfortable. Thinking about relationships, and being a good guy, a nice guy, and what that means. Enough serendipity in the last couple of days to trigger those thoughts; whether I should be less the nice guy because it hasn't really worked out for me in the past, or whether I can even be anything else. How much of it is my nature, how much is behavior that I can change? Should I change?

The nature of all of my past relationships comes into question. They were all flawed in the same way, just different flavors, and that root characteristic is the thing that defines this issue for me: I'm a wonderful friend, a caring and devoted partner, the guy that you like to hang around with and be with, but you just can't think of in that way. I'm not exciting, or dangerous, or thrilling. I'm steady and comfortable.

And I'm really tired of that.

I'm like that old couch that you have, the one that looks really kinda ratty and worn, but is so comfy because it feels just right, but you're kind of ashamed of it when company comes over, so maybe you relegate it to the basement or donate it to Cinema Rex.

I'm dependable. And nice. And sweet. And smart and funny. And I have a great personality. And all of those things are qualities that you like in a friend, but rarely look for in a relationship. And the relationships that I've had have all really come from women that have needed a friend and decided to stay a while because it was comfortable and safe.

But they all eventually wanted something more.

I dunno. Maybe it's my role in life. Maybe my destiny is to be the good friend, the fall-back guy, the comfy couch. Maybe that's what I should be, what I need to be. Maybe there is some higher purpose that is served. Or maybe there isn't, and I'm just some schmuck who doesn't make the cut. A statistic.

However it works, I've made my decision. I don't want to be the comfy couch, I don't want to be the guy that you just don't think of in that way, I don't want to be the safe shelter until something better comes along. I want to be the first, best choice. I want to be admired. I want to be adored.

As the plowfucks say: It's a hard row to hoe.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
wiredferret
Jan. 6th, 2005 03:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, I don't know. I think exciting and dangerous would be difficult to live with. But then, I married a guy who was sweet and funny and (mostly) dependable, who takes good care of me, and I really can't imagine wanting anyone else for that position.
magicmarmot
Jan. 6th, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC)
Now you see you've gone and broken my carefully constructed shell of faux reality. Now I have to consider that I'm just boring. :)
gingerpook
Jan. 6th, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC)
I don't want to be the safe shelter until something better comes along. I want to be the first, best choice.

I have someone who's a safe shelter, and I value him for that. He's also interesting, of course, but so are you. being a "nice guy" is a good thing; the problem is that most women have that "bad boy" phase, because they would be so nice "if I could only fix him!"

BTW -- I see you as not just a nice guy, but as a nice guy, with lots of perverted side notes. : )
magicmarmot
Jan. 6th, 2005 07:37 pm (UTC)
Nice and perverted. I like that. :)
loba
Jan. 6th, 2005 08:45 pm (UTC)
*laughs*
That makes *two* of us, because "nice" is very good camouflage for other things.

*grin*

Hi.... I wandered over from the Over-30 Forum (wasintrigued by the pic...).. and I only have one question: why aren't there any guys like you in Michigan??

Seriously, being a "nice guy" is not a bad thing *at all*!!

I'm a wonderful friend, a caring and devoted partner, the guy that you like to hang around with and be with, but you just can't think of in that way. I'm not exciting, or dangerous, or thrilling. I'm steady and comfortable.

Isn't that what a mate/lover *should* be??? Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I look for (and I am sure there are other women out there who do, too). Relationships *ought* to have all of those elements (as well as the others you described) for them to be good ones! Chemistry is important (and yes, I'm swayed by aesthetics, too)... but when you care deeply about someone, don't they *become* more beautiful in your eyes? (I know they do, in mine.) Sounds like you just want to be loved for who *you* are, and not just the comfort you provide. That's not a bad thing at all.... I don't think you should *ever* sell yourself short.

Keep looking; *she'll* show up. And please know that yours are *desireable* characteristics.... don't let any woman fool you on that. :-)

I'm going to add you as a Friend, because I enjoy how you express yourself. Feel free to do the same, if you'd like.

*waves at you from further east in The Frozen North*



magicmarmot
Jan. 6th, 2005 09:47 pm (UTC)
Re: *laughs*
It's always been my impression that the best thing that I could be in a relationship is steady and supportive and caring, and I've always striven to be that. I've just had some bad luck in choosing mates.

Well, it's really not just that either. I have to think that when I recognize a pattern that is unhealthy, it's time to figure out how to not do that unhealthy thing anymore.

BTW, I'm only currently living in "Ahwah". I'm actually from Minneapolis, so I'm no stranger to frozen wastelands. :)
loba
Jan. 8th, 2005 12:19 am (UTC)
Re: *laughs*
With your interest in working on unhealthy patterns, I can see that your choices in mates are going to get better. :-) And that can only be a *good* thing. (That's also some really neat growth -- I like that.)

I read that you were from Minneapolis (and sorry that you are stranded in the Land of Corn now)....have been downtown once for a convention, and have flown through a few times (NW hub, en route to Seattle). I thought you might know a *bit* about cold, seeing that you're from Meena-sota. It's less cold here now... but still rather snowy. And I never cease to find it strange that people *live* here.... for along time, most of them. And yet, when the snow flies *hard* for the first time, suddenly people *freak out*.

It's *snow*. We had it last year, around this time -- we'll get it again. It's *no big deal*. Really. :-) It's not like we see the 10' and over that the Upper Peninsula gets in winter (does Minneapolis get that much snow, too, or is it just incredibly cold?)
magicmarmot
Jan. 8th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC)
Re: *laughs*
Minnesota can get huge amounts of snow, or cold, or both. Especially northern Minn. where I grew up-- it's not unusual for six feet or more of snow, and I know many places where people go to work on snowmobiles. I still think the Yuppers get more snow.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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