I had a random suicidal thought today. Not to worry, it wasn't life-threatening, but I stepped out on the back breezeway roof to enjoy the nice weather, and it crossed my mind that I could just jump off. Then I thought that the chances were pretty good that I wouldn't actually die, but I'd be injured and in a lot of pain.
Then I walked back inside.
It wasn't anything serious, more dispassionate and random. But I started thinking stuff like whether I should start doing this every day. Walk out on the roof and see if I jump, and if I walk back inside, I'm good for another day.
I know that sounds weird, but it's more of a point focus, like if I just get it out of the way, I can get on with the rest of the stuff for the day. If you've never had to deal with long-term depression, you probably can't understand.
And I understand that I am going through a bout of major depression right now. Understanding it doesn't make it better necessarily, though the intellectual understanding makes me able to pull back somewhat and say "yeah, it feels bad but it's not real". Unfortunately it still feels real. Like when someone I'm close to tells me that I suck and criticizes decisions that I make. I understand that she is frustrated and trying to keep herself together, but really there's only so much I can take.
And tonight during a drive home with a small argument, I find myself wishing that when we got home, I'd find that someone had broken into the house and I'd catch him and beat the crap out of him. And I think I wouldn't stop, I'd just keep beating and beating until he was dead.
It's times like this that I remember my father, and why I fear ever becoming a father myself. When my father got angry, he would sometimes do terrible things. Not always physical things, but damaging nonetheless. And although I have worked very hard to not be like him, I sometimes find myself falling into the same patterns that he had, and it scares the hell out of me.
Patterns: unchecked frustration leads to rage. And I am certainly frustrated. Money is beyond tight and getting tighter, unemployment is running out in less than two months, and no current job prospects. The commercials look good, but doubtful that they will generate income until late summer at the earliest, and there are no guarantees.
I'm supposed to be the breadwinner here. I'm supposed to be able to support my family. I have multiple degrees in very technical fields, experience up the wazoo, and specific, provable talents. It's astonishing that I'm not even getting interviews.
And what really scares me is that it can get worse.