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Refractory punctuation

Most paper plates are not dishwasher safe.

I know this without having to put paper plates in the dishwasher to test it. It satisfies my sensibilities to take that assumption as fact without having to actually see it with my own eyes. Yet if someone were to ask me if I was absolutely sure, I'd have to hesitate because I haven't actually done it, nor have I ever seen anything which espouses to test the durability of paper plates in a dishwasher.

I just take it on faith.

This could go off into a rant about religion and morality and existence, but I've already done enough of that as of late, and I'm more preoccupied with love and lust and matters of the heart and groin.


I recently had a friend down to visit for a weekend. A very attractive female friend of the amazingly sexy persuasion. And it was a good weekend. Nothing untoward happened, though the possibility was either there or I completely misread everything (and I don't think I'm that far gone).

Several of my friends have now asked me if there was any hanky-panky that happened that weekend. Enough that I wonder if they were taking bets. Apparently the odds were 50-50.

The flip of a coin.

The urge to provide her with vast amounts of sensual pleasure was almost overwhelming. She would have enjoyed it. And I would have enjoyed it. But there would have been the next morning, and the chance of regret and stickiness. And I'd rather have her as a close friend than a one night stand.

Then there's Barb. Talking about whether we need some sort of a finalization ceremony, some sort of a ritualistic event to mark the psychological end of the relationship. If we don't do it, there's always this thin thread of hope that we could "work things out" (as long as I could change my mind about several things).

I have to wonder how much of my attraction to and desire for my dear lovely friend is a response to being in limbo, like if I had a night of good hard lovin', I'd somehow be free of the constraints of the relationship with Barb. How much is just a desire to be desired, a want to be wanted, a hunger for the flesh.

To be fair, the attraction I have for her is more than just sexual. She is hands down the sexiest woman I know, and I am not alone in that assessment. But she's also smart and quite shrewd, and generally a lot of fun to be around. And really if I were to get involved with her as more than a friend, I'd want it to last a good long time.

But I am currently unclear as to my own motivations for anything regarding women. Other than sex. Sex is good. I like sex. More than chocolate. But even more than sex, I like pleasuring my partner. I like touching, and playing with textures and different temperatures, different sensations. I like gentle kissing, everywhere. Nibbling, grazing, a little hot breath on the back of the neck. A little teasing.

But I also need to know it's allowed. I need to know that I have free reign to do these things. And right now, I don't.

But I crave.

Comments

(Anonymous)
Jan. 20th, 2005 12:39 am (UTC)
Re: She'll get it when she gets it.
Rob,

It wasn't aimed at you. Sorry if it seemed to be. I'm just you know...being me and doing what I do. Can't sit by and let people I've never met dis my friend without opening my big mouth.

I also realize that what is going on here is the role of true friends everywhere...and they're doing what they're supposed to...mainly cheering you on and doing the pep-talk thing, and it's not actually about her. It's about you doing what you have to do to get where you need to go. And I think that's great. It's just hard for me, as a friend, to hear.

I've seen her go toe-to-toe to defend you, and me, and Rick. She doesn't back down when she thinks she's right. She doesn't give up when she thinks a friend has been misjudged. She doesn't let go of something important that she thinks can be salvaged...even if it's not in it's original condition.

Like I said...the tweak-side of one of her greatest strengths. Also annoying. Also insane-making...but very, very Barb.
magicmarmot
Jan. 21st, 2005 08:28 pm (UTC)
Crunchy, with a chewy center.
Understood, and your comments are always welcome-- I know from whence they come. :)

Unfortunately there are no hard-and-fast answers, no easy solutions. I do listen to what people have to say, because I know that I am unable to be objective at this point, and other people's views give me another frame of reference.

Also, while I do try to be fair to Barb, I don't attempt to disguise the fact that this journal is entirely self-centered. It needs to be for me, because I need a place where I can throw down what I struggle with in my head without filters.

Not everything that happens makes it to the journal. And that's probably a good thing, though I don't know if it's good for me to keep some of the crap to myself.

Not having a good day. Bleah.
saveau
Jan. 22nd, 2005 04:29 am (UTC)
Re: She'll get it when she gets it.
>I've seen her go toe-to-toe to defend you, and me, and Rick. She doesn't back down when she thinks she's right. She doesn't give up when she thinks a friend has been misjudged. She doesn't let go of something important that she thinks can be salvaged...even if it's not in it's original condition.

True. Powerfully true. And I have never ceased to be grateful to her for that. Nor will I ever. I thanked her again for it a couple of weekends ago.

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