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Bad dreams last night. Over and over themes about me being inadequate in several different settings. Just not something that you want to wake up to. Now why my brain is piling this stuff on me is another question entirely.

I know that being in Des Moines (and specifically at this job) is wearing on me to a huge degree. I'm now in month 11, and it's crushed morale all the way. Too damn long, too much stress, crap piled on top of more crap.

Coming back to the Big Broken Box (A.K.A. the house in Minneapolis) doesn't help much either. There is way too much stuff to do to get this house back into reasonable shape to either live in or sell, and being buried in it even for a couple of days really brings that home.

I need to start planning bringing stuff from the apartment in DM back to the house. And that's going to first mean excavating places for stuff.

The experiment with Barb and the month of January has pretty much been a flop. I suspected it might be, but for some silly reason, I was holding out a thread of hope. I really wanted her to be able to keep a promise, however small, and I didn't think that one room was too much to ask. She made an effort, at least that's something.

Coming back here will be hard. Aside from the sheer amount of work involved and the huge amount of *stuff* still to be addressed, there is the whole "memories" thing. Combine that with the lack of room for a real studio, and I'm leaning heavily toward selling and moving to a new place, probably building something where there is more land so I can build a studio and the pooch can have room to run and chase squirrels.

Maybe it's time for a change. Maybe holding on to the Big Broken Box is bad for me.

Hard decisions with no clear choices ahead.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
fairoriana
Jan. 21st, 2005 11:04 pm (UTC)
I think right now you have so much stuff you want to fix, emotionally, physically, etc., that it can't help but be overwhelming. There is something to be said for a clean break and a clean start.
jmanna
Jan. 22nd, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC)
Just to be Devil's Advocate...
The pratical concerns: Do you have the credit to get a house on your own? What's the market like right now? How much work will you have to put into the house to make it sellable? Does this cost delay immediately moving after it's complete?

The less practical: Depending on how long you have to wait before you can actually move, will you feel the same in a mon th? 6 Months? A year? Is it her stuff that holds memories? When it's gone, will the reminders of what's gone ease? Do you feel less weighed down by memory in Des Moines? Will you feel differently when you come every night to the house? Will you feel differently when the house is less of a project and more of a home?

Right now, even without the memories associated, you must feel like a visitor with as much change as there's been and how little time you've had to actually settle in. You haven't really had a chance to take possession of your home.

Also, I think a lot of this comes from the fact that in some small way, you still identify yourself by the relationship you had in that house. I think in some small way you still identify yourself by your past relationships. I wonder if it's really your environment or how you reflect on yourself.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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