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Icy Dead People

Sometimes it's not enough to want. Sometimes you just gotta have.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds like it should be profound.
Kinda like the Slipknot lyric "you cannot kill what you did not create".


Yes I can, biotch.

Then again, trying to find profundity in song lyrics might be a waste of
time.

Go back to sleep.

Time ain't exactly racing today. Dealing with crapocracy tends to slow
things down. And trying to make sense of statistics like percentage
of completed projects that are complete
makes my head feel all
'splody.

I'm running out of steam down here. Or I suppose it's more that I'm
running out of reasons to even give a shit anymore about this project. I
think there was a time in the beginning when I actually thought I could
make a difference, but that time has long passed, and the differences
that I have made are far outweighed by the clowns-in-the-outfield design
decisions. Coming to work is just a drudge.
My fear is that I've been immersed for so long in this environment that
some of it has leaked in. I've gotten so used to abysmal decisions that
they don't really do anything but make me laugh anymore. And I just
don't care. Deadlines are looming, and I just don't care. If the
deadlines were so damn important, then why didn't you do something to
fix the problems when I brought them up to you and told you to your face
that they put your deadlines at risk?

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my
part.


I don't like not caring. I think that's really hugely important. I would
rather be doing something that I believe in, that I have stake in, that
I can be proud of. Here I am just a tool, an appliance, stripped of
creativity and squished into a round hole because why would you need a
hole with a different shape?

I want to enjoy what I do. I want to have a reason to get up and go to
work (or to stay home and work). I want to be a part of something
meaningful, something that has both context and content.

I am truly brilliant and innovative, and I need a place where those
qualities can be let out to play.

In my head, I sound like a broken record.

You know, I figure nobody really cares. Everybody has their own
windmills to lance, why should they ride on my horse? (And no, that's
not a mixed metaphor. Biting the hand that rocks the cradle, now
there is a mixed metaphor.)

I tend to think of everyone as pretty much quasi-static. Though they may
be in complete flux, I usually see them in one stable configuration or
another, barring catastrophic events which happen from time to time.
Mostly, everyone seems to be stable and relatively content.
Really, how much have things changed for you in the last year? The last
five years?

I've pretty much blown my last five-year plan into tiny atomic bits.
Fear has held me back. Fear of the unknown, of departing from the
relatively secure world of contract engineering and into the huge
unknown of filmmaking (or any of a number of other things I can do). But
I am not content where I am. I know there needs to be risk. Why do I
hesitate?

You've got questions, we've got answers.

What they don't tell you is that the answers they have aren't to the
questions you ask.

Fuckers.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
theatre_nerd
Jan. 25th, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
That entry hits close to home as I sit here with insurance policies swimming through my head. Knowing I could get fired at any moment... I suppose I'm okay with that. Money is nice, but damn, this job really does suck the life out of a person. 5 year plan? I dunno. I guess when I think about where I am now and where I was then, yeah, I have accomplished something. I am a better person. I have fear too. But, it's going away slowly...in little chunks.
gingerpook
Jan. 25th, 2005 08:23 pm (UTC)
Really, how much have things changed for you in the last year? The last
five years?


A lot has changed for me in the past year, and I'm not speaking only of the catastrophic events of the last couple of months.

Two years ago, my job was eliminated. Although my former company preaches a good line about finding other positions for their workers, they didn't work so hard when it came to me. I ended up in a series of temp positions for the company that a) didn't provide benefits, b) were never really a good fit for me. My resume was a permanent fixture on Monster.com.

So the last couple of years has been a process of change, of reinventing who I am, what I want from life, and what I'm willing to do to get it. After transplant, I hope to make more changes: a) get my Master's degree, b) see if it changes anything in my current job, and c) decide if I'm willing to settle for what I have now if it doesn't.

Which is really scary for me, since I need a stable environment -- with health insurance -- to feel secure. I'm trying to stop making decisions based on fear of what might happen and losing what I have. it's tough, though.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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