Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Icy Dead People

Sometimes it's not enough to want. Sometimes you just gotta have.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds like it should be profound.
Kinda like the Slipknot lyric "you cannot kill what you did not create".

Yes I can, biotch.

Then again, trying to find profundity in song lyrics might be a waste of

Go back to sleep.

Time ain't exactly racing today. Dealing with crapocracy tends to slow
things down. And trying to make sense of statistics like percentage
of completed projects that are complete
makes my head feel all

I'm running out of steam down here. Or I suppose it's more that I'm
running out of reasons to even give a shit anymore about this project. I
think there was a time in the beginning when I actually thought I could
make a difference, but that time has long passed, and the differences
that I have made are far outweighed by the clowns-in-the-outfield design
decisions. Coming to work is just a drudge.
My fear is that I've been immersed for so long in this environment that
some of it has leaked in. I've gotten so used to abysmal decisions that
they don't really do anything but make me laugh anymore. And I just
don't care. Deadlines are looming, and I just don't care. If the
deadlines were so damn important, then why didn't you do something to
fix the problems when I brought them up to you and told you to your face
that they put your deadlines at risk?

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my

I don't like not caring. I think that's really hugely important. I would
rather be doing something that I believe in, that I have stake in, that
I can be proud of. Here I am just a tool, an appliance, stripped of
creativity and squished into a round hole because why would you need a
hole with a different shape?

I want to enjoy what I do. I want to have a reason to get up and go to
work (or to stay home and work). I want to be a part of something
meaningful, something that has both context and content.

I am truly brilliant and innovative, and I need a place where those
qualities can be let out to play.

In my head, I sound like a broken record.

You know, I figure nobody really cares. Everybody has their own
windmills to lance, why should they ride on my horse? (And no, that's
not a mixed metaphor. Biting the hand that rocks the cradle, now
there is a mixed metaphor.)

I tend to think of everyone as pretty much quasi-static. Though they may
be in complete flux, I usually see them in one stable configuration or
another, barring catastrophic events which happen from time to time.
Mostly, everyone seems to be stable and relatively content.
Really, how much have things changed for you in the last year? The last
five years?

I've pretty much blown my last five-year plan into tiny atomic bits.
Fear has held me back. Fear of the unknown, of departing from the
relatively secure world of contract engineering and into the huge
unknown of filmmaking (or any of a number of other things I can do). But
I am not content where I am. I know there needs to be risk. Why do I

You've got questions, we've got answers.

What they don't tell you is that the answers they have aren't to the
questions you ask.


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