I think I mentioned something about this festering pusbag of love that
was nibbling at my psyche and needing to be expunged. Well, it's
The further away from a relationship that I get, the more I feel like
being in a relationship is a bad thing for me. Sure, there's this part
of me that wants sex and physical intimacy, but the emotional part of me
doesn't really want to share. It doesn't want to be stepped on and used
like a ladder or a support beam or an ashtray or whatever.
So my sense of attraction suffers from this. What I find attractive
right now tends to be based a lot around the physical, because that's
where my needs & desires are least being met. But I also know full well
that a purely physical attraction is meaningless othr than as a flirt
target. Deeper things are the more meaningful and longer lasting, and
being able to actually talk with someone after sex rather than just
telling her that cabfare is on the dresser is a much more solid thing.
But I still don't get love.
I get friendship. I get depth. I get trust and relaxation and being able
to let your guard down with somebody without fear of getting your ass
kicked. I get lust. I get sex and acrobatics and pleasure and intimacy.
But where the hell is love?
Where is that indefinable thing that lets me know that this is The
One(tm) (or these are The Ones(tm) for you poly folk)? Is it just that
you get along really well? Is it pheromones? Is it faith? What makes me
go from finding a woman attractive and interesting to loving her in
I thought I knew. There was a time that I was in love, or at least I
thought I was. Hell, there have been a couple of times-- I can probably
still count them on one hand-- and it's always, always turned out
to be something else.
Or maybe that's all there is. Maybe love is just an illusion that we
create for ourselves out of a sense of insecurity, a virtual yenta who
tells you that you must belong to someone to be complete.
Maybe I'm just blowing smoke here. I have to think that I'm in an
emotional recovery state that probably doesn't bear objectivity when
talking about affairs of the heart. I realize that I can't really trust
myself to understand this stuff yet, but I've had a considewrable lack
of faith in the concept of deeper love for quite a while now, and...
Well, I find my lack of faith disturbing.
Although, you know, once in a while I happen across someone who really
gets my attention. Such is the likes of ghoulgurl, who gets
my attention for very good reason that you will understand when you look
of her work. (Note that she also has a website coming soon at
www.jennrose.com but it doesn't have anything up yet.)
Of course, she's already madly in love with another, so I am once again unrequited.