Okay, yeah, I know, it's just a dream. And dreams that have people in them usually aren't about those people. But this one was not so much about her as how I was dealing with her.
You see, I decided to back off from her. There has been a physical component to our friendship as of late (just a little bit, mind you), and as much as I like it, I've been feeling a tad bit guilty about it. It's more a risk that this could become the primary reason that I want to see her, and that's not what I want from our friendship.
Well, in a way it is. In a purely selfish, hedonistic way. But I am not purely selfish and hedonistic. Or at least not purely selfish.
But this dream had portents that I should not back off completely. I can't go into details without exposing more than I'm willing to at this point, but they're not so important; what is important is that I am more confused again. Emotionally obfuscated.
Think of it like a small ship on rough seas. Once in a while, the ship is on the crest of a wave, and can see for miles: there is clarity and direction. Other times, the ship is in a trough, and the only thing that can be seen is the sides of the waves, lost and befuddled. That last one is where I am now.
Normally I would have faith in the sense of direction that I remember from being on the crest. But there is this nagging feeling that this is a door that I shouldn't close quite yet.
It might just be that she's hot and sexy, and I'm an old fool.