Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

The long slow descent

Stress heaped upon stress. It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I am running on diminished capacity. My brain is so full. It's like it doesn't have room for any more, so I'm starting to lose things, like what the hell I'm actually supposed to be doing, or what bit of code I'm looking at. I'm cranky, easily frustrated, and making mistakes that I ordinarily wouldn't make.
Yesterday, I think I went grocery shopping. I'm pretty sure it was yesterday. I skipped the gym because I got back so late and was so tired I nearly fell asleep. I did manage to watch part of "Bride of Frankenstein", which is so totally not what I was expecting. And I think I caught bits of South Park in there too, but it's all kind of a haze. I'm pretty sure that I wasn't at all productive.

And I have to work this weekend. We're so badly into crunch mode that we're having to work extra to try and get software delivered-- scratch that, we've been in crunch mode since last fall, now we're in über-crunch mode.

[Note to self: remember that as crunch time approaches, efficiency diminishes.]

Okay, really it's been a stressful year. And I'm ready for the stress to end now. Unfortunately, it's still a long way off. Some of the more immediate stresses will end in a few days, only to be replaced by new ones. The immediate work stress won't really let up until I leave here in another couple of months, then that gets replaced with the dealing-with-the-house stress and finding-a-new-job stress. And I have the sinking feeling that I'm going to break before then.

I need downtime. I need a real vacation. I need a space of breathing room where I don't have to deal with stuff for a while. I was hoping to be able to take the month of May off, but I may not have the money to be able to pull that particular rabbit out of the proverbial hat.

Sex drive is gone. Nothing, nada, zilch. While I suppose that could be more of a defense mechanism than anything, it's also fatigue. But for me, it's indicative of a longer-term problem. It's not so much that the drive is gone, as the desire to even pursue it is gone, and that frightens me.

It's like the story that never ends.

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