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Kuschelt-aber-entfernt


loba recentlty used a German phrase to describe me. I had to look up part of it, but the concept is close to "comfortable/snuggled yet distant".

And that is dead on. Leave it to the Germans to have a word for a concept that has no direct translation to English (Fahrvergnugen, anyone?).

Rather than being cold and distant, I am warm and distant. I suppose I can chalk that up to learned behavior.

I express a lot about myself through writing here. It's all filtered and primarily introspective, but it's at least a kind of window into who I am (if you like that sort of thing). But to know me in person is likely to be presented with a series of walls. Pretty ones, elaborate personas that seem all too real and human, yet don't reflect the real me.

I'm actually a supermodel named Naomi.

Flip comment, assuredly. But not without some level of truth. On the surface it's a lie, but in the deeper sense, it speaks to the alienation of the physical self-- the meat puppet-- with what lies beneath. The intellect, the spirit, the person.

I am different than I look. So much so that I have surprised myself when I've seen myself in the mirror, because that's not me. And I have to wonder if this isolation and buildup of walls has insulated my inner self from my outer self so much that I've become disconnected.

If you know me, I give you themes. I give you a self, a presence, a cautious shell. Even if you know me well. It's not intentional, it's reflexive, like falling into old habits or patterns that unconsciously imprint upon us. And I suppose that one could say that these imprints are as much a part of my external self as a fingerprint is a part of my finger.

But if you strip away the veneer and leave my internal self exposed and vulnerable, naked as a baby on the floor, what is there? Am I a brain in a jar, a muse, a comforting cloud of thought and idea to storm acros the landscape with raging wind? Or am I a soft cuddly little furry creature with no sharp teeth or claws that years to be cuddled and petted? Or am I the infinite black monolith that stands as an enigma to those who would unbury me?

Ich bin Rätsel. Oder Ich bin ein Brezel.

So why the distance? Why the walls? Why the defenses against attacks imagined and otherwise?

I think you know the reasons. They're the same as yours.

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