You know, I'm not a bad person. I'm reasonably comfortable with who I am
and the choices I have made along the way. They may not always have been
the best, but I think I turned out okay.
I am nontraditional, but I'm not so extreme as to be a complete freak. I
sort of fit in both worlds, but not quite a citizen of either. It's like
I populate my own little territory.
For me, it comes back to making movies. I can't tell you why exactly,
other than perhaps it is a manufactured "reality". It's like when I was
a kid, I used to be into magic tricks. That sense of illusion, of
playing with people's perceptions colored a lot of what I did and what I
was interested in, even before I understood what it was. I suppose it
still does: movies, books, audio theater, sci-fi and fantasy... It's all
illusion. And when you get right down to it, so is porn. For most of us
Maybe that's a lot of what is driving me to filmmaking: the need to
escape reality, to take control of the illusion. Particularly since my
current reality is rather teh suxx0rz. Hey, I'm in the Land of Pigs and
Corn working for Ag-Dilbert. It's about as far removed from the
cosmopolitan image of myself that I have in my brain as you can get
without running away to farm goats in the mountains.
I got a recruiter call yesterday from out in the Silicon Valley. When I
told him what I do, he asked me why I wasn't out there. Sometimes I
wonder-- but I don't think I'm pretty enough for California. Besides, I
don't think that in the long term a geographic location is really going
to be necessary for what I want to do. As long as I have my high-speed
internet connection, I'm good to go.
Zombie movie. Must do zombie movie. With hot chicks.
I think my favorite monster has always been the reanimated skeleton.
There is something about the skeleton or near-skeleton that is to me far
creepier than any other monster-- maybe knowing that for a skeleton or a
skeletal corpse to be animated there must be some otherworldly force
making it happen is enough to trigger something. Or it might be the
primal fear of death; the skull has long been a symbol of power that
crosses geopolitical boundaries. The popular anthropomorphic image of
death is a robed skeleton. The skull and crossbones commonly associated
with pirate flags is actually a Masonic symbol, which in turn derives
from an ancient burial practice where the thighbones were crossed under
the skull to prevent the dead from walking. I suppose the idea was that
if he tried to sit up, he'd knock his head off or something.
Another recruiter call today for a position in Savage/Shakopee.
Contract, less money than I'm making now, but I could live at home. I
think I'll negotiate for more if they call back though-- after looking
at their initial range, it's a lot lower in the long run.
Pfeh. Bigwigs coming on Monday. Randy the HR guy is cruising around
finding fault with things that need to be "corrected" before their
visit. Apparently we can't actually look like we're doing anything. And
apparently doing that RFNow is more important than the actual product
development: he actually interrupted an engineering discussion to tell
Bill to take down his Dilbert doll. Not even so much as an "excuse me",
or even waiting for a break in the conversation. And he wanted to know
if it was absolutely necessary if we had to have that cable running
outside to the GPS antenna. Well, yes Randy, but only if we want to
actually do work.
Then again, his major accomplishment of his career was the installation
of water coolers in the building, at least according to him. For some
reason, I would expect more from my career.
And I've had yet another I Don't Care(tm) moment. Gosh, again with the
user interface. Apparently there are two things that are wanted done
with the same interface objects, and they are incompatible (you can't
use a listbox to both automatically select something and to display
something without selecting it). Perhaps that part yesterday where I
said that they were incompatible didn't quite sink in.
43 days and counting.
There is this mode of operation here: someone will ask the question "Can
we do this?", but they are not actually asking the question, they are
stating "Do this". Even if you say "No, we cannot do this because...",
it is ignored; it is expected that you will do what has been asked
I recognize this particular trait from two people in my life. It's a
real symptom of a dysfunctional relationship, specifically a
passive-aggressive mode. And I really hate passive-aggressive. It's like
It just so happens that these two people have had a great deal of
influence in my life, probably more than they should have. It happens,
and it actually explains a lot about how I grew up and have handled
relationship issues. I don't have a good coping mechanism for passive
aggression. Probably because I tend not to recognize it until after the
It also means I have to watch for it in myself.
Enough for now.