Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam


40 days remain.

It was nice to have an entire weekend available to do the relaxy things
that I wanted to do. I probably should have cleaned and packed more, but
I'm not gonna go all hoopda about it. This is a short week, and I have
stuff to take back home. This is probably the hardest cleaning/packing
part, since this is the one where I have to decide of the things that
I'm currently using, what stuff needs to come back home. I already know
some of it: most of the bathroom stuff, most of the towels, the big
tools, all of the metal projects, the corpse, most of my art/craft
stuff, the sewing machine and all of the material. Reference books. Some
clothes. Some cooking utensils that I rarely use.
It's hard because it's a change. While I've been down here, as much as I
am frustrated by the Iowa experience, it's been a place that is
completely and unquestionably mine, and it's been a time of healing.
That time is over, and now I have to make the transition to actively
repairing my life. Where the past year or so has allowed a lot of
introspection and passive change, I'm now transitioning into an active
It will also bring new pain, or new facets of old pain. I need to learn
to walk again.

I don't know that I've made all the decisions that I need to make. The
biggest looming piece is the long-term career path, which is clearer
than it was but still fuzzes out beyond some immediate plans.

There are some things that I understand. Careerwise, I am a very
technical boy. I know what areas I have great strength in, and it would
behoove me to try and capitalize on that knowledge and expertise.
Problem is I can't do it alone. The parts I can do, I will do. I have
plans to do some very nifty motion-control things, and I understand how
to design and put everything together from the gears and hardware to the
programming software and everything in between. The things I don't have
a good handle on are in the business and promotional ends.

In relationships, I have a pretty solid core of fear. That's a really
good place to be starting from. Everything that I can summon when I'm in
a relatively stable mind indicates that patience is the thing, that all
will be as it needs to be. I don't need to concern myself with
relationships, as I have friends that I need to spend more time with and
enjoy their company.
Problem is that I'm not always in a stable mind. Sometimes the
loneliness gets to me. Sometimes it's just being horny. Sometimes it's
something else entirely, something nameless. Usually I can recognize
those times and proceed with caution. Sometimes I don't recognize it
until it's too late; those are the times that I worry about.

I have a set of challenges to myself. Goals that I need to accomplish in
order to remain true to myself, or my vision of myself. They are perhaps
lofty but not unreachable. Most of them are external: things I need to
do, concrete accounts of progress. A couple of them are internal.

I guess I need to find out where this will take me.

  • (no subject)

    It finally happened. It had to, really. I was in the bottom two cut from LJ-Idol this week. I made it to the top 50, from some rather larger…

  • Mayville

    "Too many bats in the belfry, eh?" The question came from a small man in the scrubs-and-robe garb of an inmate. He looked a little like a garden…

  • LJ-Idol

    Another batch of entries. Consistently amazed at how good the writing is. Voting is open for…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.