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40 days remain.

It was nice to have an entire weekend available to do the relaxy things
that I wanted to do. I probably should have cleaned and packed more, but
I'm not gonna go all hoopda about it. This is a short week, and I have
stuff to take back home. This is probably the hardest cleaning/packing
part, since this is the one where I have to decide of the things that
I'm currently using, what stuff needs to come back home. I already know
some of it: most of the bathroom stuff, most of the towels, the big
tools, all of the metal projects, the corpse, most of my art/craft
stuff, the sewing machine and all of the material. Reference books. Some
clothes. Some cooking utensils that I rarely use.
It's hard because it's a change. While I've been down here, as much as I
am frustrated by the Iowa experience, it's been a place that is
completely and unquestionably mine, and it's been a time of healing.
That time is over, and now I have to make the transition to actively
repairing my life. Where the past year or so has allowed a lot of
introspection and passive change, I'm now transitioning into an active
It will also bring new pain, or new facets of old pain. I need to learn
to walk again.

I don't know that I've made all the decisions that I need to make. The
biggest looming piece is the long-term career path, which is clearer
than it was but still fuzzes out beyond some immediate plans.

There are some things that I understand. Careerwise, I am a very
technical boy. I know what areas I have great strength in, and it would
behoove me to try and capitalize on that knowledge and expertise.
Problem is I can't do it alone. The parts I can do, I will do. I have
plans to do some very nifty motion-control things, and I understand how
to design and put everything together from the gears and hardware to the
programming software and everything in between. The things I don't have
a good handle on are in the business and promotional ends.

In relationships, I have a pretty solid core of fear. That's a really
good place to be starting from. Everything that I can summon when I'm in
a relatively stable mind indicates that patience is the thing, that all
will be as it needs to be. I don't need to concern myself with
relationships, as I have friends that I need to spend more time with and
enjoy their company.
Problem is that I'm not always in a stable mind. Sometimes the
loneliness gets to me. Sometimes it's just being horny. Sometimes it's
something else entirely, something nameless. Usually I can recognize
those times and proceed with caution. Sometimes I don't recognize it
until it's too late; those are the times that I worry about.

I have a set of challenges to myself. Goals that I need to accomplish in
order to remain true to myself, or my vision of myself. They are perhaps
lofty but not unreachable. Most of them are external: things I need to
do, concrete accounts of progress. A couple of them are internal.

I guess I need to find out where this will take me.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 22nd, 2005 04:08 am (UTC)
Sometimes the loneliness gets to me.

I've been lonely between relationships, and I've been lonely while in a relationship. The second one is definitely worse.

Courage, my friend. It does get better.
Mar. 22nd, 2005 05:00 am (UTC)
Patience sucks.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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