other than perhaps being a little cranky because of the cold and wanting
to both vent and distract myself from the coughing and breathing
I got into a deep maudlin state last night, a really bad depressive
funk. I will attribute it at least in part to the heavy medications that
I was taking in order to not cough myself out of bed, but it really
latched on to my raw side: the fear that I will never again find a "good
woman" to be my partner.
Yes, I know, I've heard it before: it will happen. I'm too good of a
"catch" to be unattached for long.
But that's not what I'm talking about, or at least not so much. I'm
talking about a real solid core connection with someone: love, for lack
of a better term. I don't know that I'm capable of falling in love ever
again. My love circuit has been damaged far too often.
I was once married, a long time ago. I spent two years with a beautiful
woman who I was truly, madly, deeply in love with. It was the most
amazing time of my life, and I was truly happy. We got married, and
within three months it was complete crap. It was horrible and painful
beyond words; every waking moment was blinding heartache for a very long
It got better. But after that I had walls, defenses that I put up for
protection. And nobody got in. Barb came the closest, but I always did
manage to keep a little bit of distance. I suppose deep down I knew that
it would end. And when it did, it hurt. Maybe not so much this time,
because it was familiar. Or maybe it was just different: not as intense,
but lasting a longer time.
So again, I build walls. Taller, bigger, more resistant to onslaught.
Really good defenses, active shielding, capability for distraction and
charm and a built-in distancing mechanism. This is who I am; if you
don't like it, stay away.