Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Sure, I do go off on being alone and being blocked in emotionally-unavailable mode, but that's really for an understanding of my own issues. Writing them down makes me think about what I'm feeling in a linear fashion (rather than the whirlwind of thoughts that usually accompanies trauma); making the posts publicly available keep me from bullshitting myself, at least to a degree. I know enouigh that if I'm getting too far off track, I'll get bitch-slapped, and most of the time I even appreciate it. :)

Of course, to be honest I also like the attention. Not in a drama-queen sort of way-- at least I hope not-- but in a communicative way, a way that is open to pretty much everyone who has something intelligent to say. That doesn't mean that won't change in the future, but for now I'm content to keep it that way, as it seems to be working.

I know there are a few folks who read this journal that lurk. I've been surprised by a few of them, and a couple of them have become friends, at least in the virtual sense (and a lot of my life these days has been virtual). I have the feeling that most who come and read for a few days tend to get bored and fly away into the aether to see who else is out there. I've done it too from time to time, though if I latch on to somebody interesting I usually will introduce myself. But I have met some truly interesting and eclectic people, and I'm happy to have a fairly equalized way of communicating with them.

This all may change in the next couple of months. Heading back home causes me some trepidation. It's the ending of this particular phase of my existence-- a little death as it were-- and the conversion into something that requires more activity and responsibility.

I know that you can expect more updates on house remodeling stuff as well as the film projects that I'm taking on (what have I gotten myself into here?), and probably more job updates when I get attached to a new job. Hopefully not insane rants about how idiotic it is, I've had enough of that.

But I also hope to have some growth on more personal fronts. I've had a year of introspection, and now I need to... um... outrospect? Extrospect? Do some shit?

It's hard. I don't entirely know what I'm doing. I'm hoping that I've had enough experience and time to think that the decisions that I make are good ones; I don't think there is a clear-cut right and wrong to a lot of these things. And I hope that I'm not deciding out of fear or loneliness or anything else that might cloud my good judgement.

Yeah. I'm frightened. Not a lot, just enough. And I know this same kind of stuff happens to everybody, and everybody reacts differently to it. But there's the potential there for some excitement and opportunity, and I do feel good about that part.

And if I haven't said it yet: thank you for being there for me when I've needed it. Thank you for kicking my ass when it needed kicking, and laughing at my stupid jokes, and sympathizing with my workplace idiocy, and just lending a hand when I needed one. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me over the past year; you've helped me to keep my sanity. I think.

Here's to more fun.

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