Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Where is my Mind?

Coming up on the one-year anniversary of ending a relationship after
twelve years together.

Many's the time I've wondered whether it was the right choice. At the
time, it was: she had lost complete respect for me and was beginning to
resent me, and really forced me into making a decision. Those were
really symptoms of the greater issues; we had really been growing apart
for a long time and just not admitting it. A year's worth of
introspection and analysis really makes that obvious, though I regret
not having faced the issue much earlier.

Barb really is a wonderful and talented woman, and I still care about
her deeply. I suppose you don't spend a dozen years with somebody
without having some feelings for them. But she wants different things
from her life than I do, and those differences became more and more
issues until they finally exploded in a rather messy splat-pile.

I suppose messy is a relative term. I know several relationships that
ended far more messily, and with more pain. Not to me, but to those
involved. This one is more sticky than messy: there hasn't been a clean
break for various reasons: the house, the pets, her school. We've tried
to remain friends, but there is a distance that has become necessary.

So I suppose it was the right choice, and it still is. We were getting
in the way of each other's happiness, or at least in the way of having a
chance to find it. And I really do want her to be happy and find all of
the things that she desires. And you know, I want the same for me too.

The question is can I find true happiness with a bunch of nekkid college
girls in a hot tub?

Hell, I don't know. But it's a great place to start.

(Yeah, okay, being a little silly. It's what you've come to expect by

Finding true happiness.
Now there's a topic. How many of us are truly happy?

What would make me happy? I'm not even really sure anymore, though my
feelings are very much directed toward being a successful filmmaker.
When I look at the times that I've been the happiest in the recent past,
it's been while making movies. When I watch the extras on DVDs or listen
to the director commentaries, I seriously jones to be working on the
set. When we were shooting Horror Incorporated, it was grueling
stressful work, and there were several times that I remember saying to
myself that there was really nothing else I would rather be doing.

When we were shooting Hunter, I felt like a really important part
of what was happening. I put a lot of myself into it, into creating the
images that made it onto the screen. And I can look at it now and be
happy with a lot of it. There are still a few parts that make me cringe
(the magenta furnace), but they are few.

When we shot the Dead Zone commercials, I wrote and directed. Aside from
only having 30 seconds to work with, I was really happy bringing those
to life.

I will be shooting more movies in the very near future. It's looking
pretty serious for a sequel to Hunter to start shooting almost
immediately after I get back, and there are a couple of other projects
kind of hanging in the wings. But I need to get some of my own stuff out
there, something that I've written and directed. Something that's
good, something that's exceptional, something that people
want to see. And right now I don't have anything that's in
ready-to-shoot shape.

The closest I have is The Magic Bear, which is based off of an
idea that cajones had long ago; it's a short film, perhaps
five minutes. But it's very effects-intensive and would take a lot to
accomplish. I also have Six Days with a completed synopsis that I
could turn into a first-draft screenplay in a relatively short period of
time. That is much longer, possibly feature length.

I think what I'd really like to do first is a short horror film, around
10-15 minutes, and submit it to festivals and Keep a limited
scope (translates to limited budget), but still make it impressive and

I don't know that that would make me truly happy, but it's a good place
to start.

And it could lead to a bunch of nekkid college girls in a hot tub.
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