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The last counselor that I was seeing made a point of not differentiating between need and desire. She felt that it was an artificial division, and that they were for all intents and purposes the same thing.

Perhaps within a limited scope, they are. My example to her was this:

I need food.
I desire a cheeseburger.

Her response was that if you need food and desire a cheeseburger, then eat the cheeseburger.

Talking at cross porpoises here. The point I was trying to make was that there is a difference between need and desire, that a need is something that cannot be denied without harm, but a desire is something that can.
Her point was that if it wasn't necessary to deny your desires, then go ahead and indulge them.

The key to this is figuring out when it is okay to indulge.

I love Little Debbie snack cakes, the kind that are like chocolate roll-ups. They are not good for me at all, but omigod they are on occasion the perfect junk food. I more often than not don't eat them because of the nasty health issues that I have to deal with if I do. That's a relatively easy choice: I know what the consequences are ahead of time.

The choice becomes harder when I start thinking about women.

I almost said sex instead of women here. I changed it because it's not just about sex. When I consider women, sex is a part of that consideration. Try not to be insulted by that, I also consider sex when I think of men, but to a lesser degree. It isn't about objectification, or "wanting to stick my dick into something", it's about attraction and sensuality. There are men that I find attractive, there are men that I enjoy being sensual with, there are men that I enjoy cuddling with. There are more women that I enjoy those things with than men, probably because most men aren't open to sensuality separate from sex, and most women are at least aware of the differences.

(You know, I get the feeling that that above paragraph is going to open up a whole can of worms about my sexual preference, and whether I'm bisexual, and what that means. If it really matters to you, I'm open to discussing it, but I'm pretty comfortable in my sexual identity.)

Back on track: if I desire a woman, when is it okay to indulge my desires?

First of all, it must not knowingly harm another. The ethical part of ethical hedonism. If it's harmful to someone else, don't do it. The sole exception here is consensual pain (i.e. spanking) which isn't really harm.

Second, she has to consent. That's kind of hard in and of itself because nobody walks around with an "I consent" stamp in their pocket, and only on rare occasions do I hear "Do me, you hunk of manliness". More often it's a dance of interest and possibilities, with a whole lot of maybes instead of hard yes/no answers. No means no, I'm down with that. But very often I have to advance something for there to be a yes/maybe/no response to.

Which whacks number 3 on the head: I have to be willing to risk embarrassment, emotional pain, or worse. Honestly, this is a pretty big risk to take for just a dippin'-the-willie. And because I value friendships pretty highly, it makes it much harder to risk. It's really difficult for me to approach friends sexually because of this. I will flirt and be playful all day, but an actual sexual (or even sensual) encounter is unlikely. So like if you're waiting for me to make a move, you may be waiting for a while.

If it was just about sex, finding a good escort service would fit the bill nicely. One could argue that there is the potential for harm, but that is a societal issue that's out of the scope of this entry. However that is a moot point, because it's not just about the sex. I want something more of a connection, something with depth and substance.

But a little nookie is good too.


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 26th, 2005 08:28 pm (UTC)
i feel a rather large "...and...." at the end of this....

Apr. 26th, 2005 10:33 pm (UTC)
See now, if you had said that you feel a rather large "...But..." it would have set me up perfectly.

As it is, it's really just a way for me to get my mind off of the last few morphodite days at work.
Apr. 27th, 2005 12:21 am (UTC)
ok... i'll bite...
... I feel a rather large "....But..." at the end of this....

Apr. 27th, 2005 02:14 am (UTC)
Re: ok... i'll bite...
Well, I have a rather large "but" you can feel...

(See, now that you were expecting it, it's just not as funny.)
Apr. 27th, 2005 02:17 am (UTC)
there has to be a play on but/butt -- c'mon????

and when are we having dinner?

Apr. 27th, 2005 02:27 am (UTC)
Re: wait....
Well I think I broke my brain at work today with all the boredom.

As for dinner, I'll be back home next week, and that sounds like a most excellent idea. Do you like italian?
Apr. 27th, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)
but real italian...

olive garden is a SERIOUS deal breaker...

Apr. 27th, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)
Re: si...
I'm thinking Buca.
Apr. 27th, 2005 02:30 am (UTC)
Re: si...
we need to go early and avoid the crowd...

st. paul? mpls?

when do you arrive?

Apr. 27th, 2005 02:32 am (UTC)
Re: si...
I'm closer to Minneapolis, but can certainly drive to either.

I will be back for good this coming weekend.
Apr. 27th, 2005 02:37 am (UTC)
Re: si...
I should be physically back Saturday night, barring catastrophe... though likely a little exhausted. Sunday would work as well if you wanted to shoot for this weekend.
Apr. 27th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC)
oh goodness...
let's not completely exhaust you your first weekend here, my dear...

it's also end of semester for me, and Sunday is May Day in Powderhorn Park, which i am working and will leave me pooped ...

what's on your agenda for the next couple of weeks?

Apr. 27th, 2005 10:39 pm (UTC)
Re: oh goodness...
The next couple of weeks I will be interviewing for new jobs, working on the house, and doing a few social things. Next Saturday is a friend's wedding anniversary party complete with hot tub, which is mandatory. The following weeekend, I'm looking at having my Prison Release party, details to be posted later.

But for you, I'll make time. :)
Apr. 27th, 2005 10:47 pm (UTC)
flattery will get you everywhere...
oooo.... hot tub???

you know, it was SNOWING this afternoon!!!!!

Apr. 27th, 2005 11:01 pm (UTC)
Re: flattery will get you everywhere...
Cripes, no I didn't. It's still in the low 50's here.

Yes, I am planning on renting a hot tub for the PR party. Since my birthday (tomorrow) coincides very neatly with my getting the hell out of the Land of Pigs and Corn (as well as another major milestone), I am duty bound to celebrate with as much debauchery and decadence as I can muster.

If you wouldn't mind meeting another bunch of creative geeky people, you should come. Tentative plans for Friday the 13th, about 7:00 to cow time.
Apr. 29th, 2005 03:25 pm (UTC)
Birthday guy...
Hope your cumpleanos were feliz...

Good luck wrapping things up today and safe journey home tomorrow!

I'll be here with bells on (or something, anyway)...

Let's talk about the party when you're settled -- over dinner @ Buca?

Apr. 29th, 2005 10:59 pm (UTC)
Re: Birthday guy...
That sounds delicious. I'll let you know more about the settling in the coming week.
Apr. 26th, 2005 09:18 pm (UTC)
I say congratulations on making some fine points. There are so many opportunities that one can share in sexual encounters without the necessary emotional dance to follow. Surprisingly, I know more women thus far who are able to participate in such dawdlings who benefit greatly from the sensuality of the act and the satisfaction of the quenched desire. You don't always need the deeper emotional substance.

The problem lies in the conflict that one party feels strongly and dismisses the need to communicate. Leaving the ideal relationship of the moment to shatter. The expectations must at all times be the same or it just doesn't work as well. But I've had a couple successful ones myself and feel the need to speak out for those who choose that lifestyle.

I truly believe everyone needs to reveal their own dominating (or dominated) intensity of sexuality and that's an interesting way to do it. With the right precautions mind all..

Apr. 26th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC)
...one party feels strongly and dismisses the need to communicate...

Yep. That falls into the "thou shalt not hurt others" category for me.

I'm not one for pigeonholed one-night stands. Did it a bit in college and was underwhelmed. I really enjoy someone to share things with a little more, someone to talk to. It doesn't have to be a be-all-end-all relationship, it can still be casual, but it needs to be on more of a friendship level.

And very much so on the communication part. Not just talking and listening, but hearing what each other are saying. Sometimes that's incredibly tough. Or maybe I'm just dense. :)
Apr. 26th, 2005 11:25 pm (UTC)
And yet you post from the future?
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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