Anxiety dreams last night. Primarily about work, but also about the
I'm feeling disconnected from my writing here as of late. Guarded. And I
think that I'm feeling a bit disconnected and guarded in my actual
so-called life, which is carrying over in my ability to communicate.
So, truth time.
1.) I'm a little frightened at my weakness when doing the work outside.
I find myself being too easily fatigued and having to rest more
frequently than I would like. I think it's probably related to the
diabetes, where my cells are not opening up to the glucose that is
available. That probably means I'm going to have to start shooting
insulin. It would be helped if I had regular aerobic exercise (like the
bike), but there's a catch-22 with being too easily fatigued. It could
also have to do with allergies in the house, or the possibility of
something else. I need to see a doctor, and I'm avoiding it out of fear.
2.) The dating pool. Currently it's a moot point because I don't have
time to spit much less be dating, but it's a longer-term issue that's
never really been successfully addressed.
I'm spoiled. There are a lot of very attractive women in my life who I
count as friends. I enjoy their company, they are smart, fun, creative,
and generally make my life better. There are three in particular who I
probably have the most interaction with; two of those are married, and
the remaining one is involved with someone. Those three probably define
facets of the perfect woman for me, like if I could combine them all
into one meta-woman, I'd be completely overwhelmingly in love. Of
course, with my luck she'd be married. :)
Part of the issue for me is that most of the women that I find
attractive are already either attached to someone else, or don't find me
attractive "in that way", or they're too far away to make a more than
casual relationship workable. And I'm willing to admit that I'm probably
looking for someone that doesn't exist, and that's probably the biggest
part of all. But I'm also not willing to compromise; I did that for far
too long, and I'd rather be alone.
3.) My sense of self. Moving back has brought turmoil. I knew it would,
but I didn't expect this much turmoil. In the apartment, I was
fairly self-contained and stable; in the Big Broken Box(tm), I'm open
and unstable, and I don't have clear boundaries.
That may be a good thing. I probably need to be a little vulnerable and
exposed to risk in order to grow, but it's kind of like irritating a
wound, or perhaps working a muscle that has atrophied: there is pain and
discomfort for a while. But there is a whole lot of stuff happening all
at once, and I don't feel like I have a sanctuary.
I think that's enough for now.