has pretty much taken the place of the human affection that I desire,
but it's really not the same. Sadie will once in a while give me dog
kisses or cuddle her head under my arm, but mostly she just wants to be
petted. And Micha is very much a petting pig with an attitude. If I
pretend like I'm asleep, he will walk up to my head, scratch it with his
paw, and then rub his head on the place he scratched. Otherwise, he
But I want to be petted too. Sometimes I want to be the one being
pampered and cuddled and caressed. Sometimes I want my back rubbed, or
my thighs massaged, or fingers run gently through my hair. And the pets,
as well-meaning as they are, are not really able to handle those kinds
I suppose I could pay somebody for that, but it's back to that whole
affection thing. And really I don't know if I'm able to trust
anybody enough to be comfortable with that level of affection. Hell, I'm
not even sure what "that level" is. And thinking about it, that's not
entirely true. There are people that I do trust with that level of
affection. I just don't get to see them as often as I'd like.
Then again, if that changed and I had somebody that I trusted that I saw
every day, I'd find something else to hold me back. Which is probably my
own way of telling myself that I'm not ready to risk yet. Or maybe I'm
just chickenshit. Or perhaps the two aren't really different, they're
both ways of saying the same thing.
I don't know. At one time, it was pretty clear, now it's all muddled.
And it feels like I'm avoiding recognizing something in myself that I
won't like to see.
Dammit, I'm not liking this.