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Confessional

After being back from the movie, had a small chat with Barb, then took Sasha to dinner at El Meson. Part of the reason for the choice of El Meson is that it's only a block and a half from the house, so we could both have wine and not worry about driving. Part of the reason for taking Sasha is that she is a most excellent dinner date.
Tonight was no exception. The wine was rather kick-ass, and I had a mango Creme Brulee for dessert that was making me happy in my pants. And for a little while at least, I could pretend that I was in love and loved in return.

We talked a lot about attraction and love and friendship, and what things are good and what things are not so good. And honestly, I did make her feel special. She is. The things that I said to her were honest and true. For instance, she is the only person who made a special trip to Des Moines to come and see me, and I deeply appreciate that.

Then she had to go to a party with her boyfriend. Who managed to annoy her within five seconds of showing up. He seems to have that talent as of late. And there is this little selfish part of me that wants to point that out to her, to hold up that contrast and say "look how much better I am".

Can not will not in a box, can not will not with some socks.

I am ashamed that I have that pettiness in my head. Part of it I take as seeing a friend of mine in a bad relationship and knowing that she deserves a hell of a lot better treatment, but part of it is pure out and out selfishness and pride.

I know that if something were to happen between us, it would be six kinds of bad, and it would end up being painful and humiliating. But so help me, part of me wants the precioussss... gives it to usss...

Can not will not on a train, can not will not on a plane.

And since we're on the topic of my bits of pettiness, Barb met Sasha at the house for the first time tonight. I had forgotten that Barb was coming over. I took a tiny bit of glee in the genuine uncomfortableness of the situation. Again, ashamed, me, though not as much.

Of course, on the good side, I am an excellent dinner companion, and a genuinely wondeful guy.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
jmanna
Jun. 5th, 2005 01:37 pm (UTC)
You're building a house of cards in a huricane. It's not the situation, it's the timing and the fact I don't know if you're patient enough to wait for the right moment. Which could be years from now.

Last you'll hear about it from me.
magicmarmot
Jun. 5th, 2005 03:33 pm (UTC)
It's hard to see in a hurricane.
lexinatrix
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:09 am (UTC)
I boggle at how willingly you throw yourself into situations where you know you're not fully equipped to cope. Are yout testing yourself?
magicmarmot
Jun. 6th, 2005 11:34 am (UTC)
Good question. I don't have a good answer, but I wonder if it's addictive behavior.
gingerpook
Jun. 6th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC)
My advice (not that you've asked...)

Enjoy the company, and don't do anything stupid. It's a tightrope, to be sure. I hope you can manage it.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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