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Is it wrong to use someone for physical pleasure?


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 6th, 2005 01:50 pm (UTC)
Define "use".

It depends on what the *used* person thinks of it. If it's completely honest and consentual, then yes.

If the other person thinks that there's "something more", then it's an incredibly shitty thing to do.
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
The thing that most worries me is that the "rules" may not hold, even when agreed on ahead of time. Not that I've ever experienced that kind of thing or anything... :)
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
Not that I've ever experienced that kind of thing or anything... :)

Good point.

I think lexinatrix is right about people sometimes not being fully aware of how they might feel in a few months and I think the cuddling that you seek is more emotionally intimate than sex.

Here's a question - If you want this person to be a "friend" (someone already emotionally close, I'd think) and be someone you cuddle with and sleep next to, what part of a "real relationship" don't you want?

If you just don't think you can make a long term time committment, join the club. We meet on Fridays at the bar. ;)

Jun. 6th, 2005 01:58 pm (UTC)
As long as you're up front with the person about the potential or lack thereof, it's there job to make choices according to what they're capable of.

Doesn't mean it won't get messy, just means you aren't necessarily "using" them.
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
Avoiding messy is a goal. A big goal. A big, scary goal.
Jun. 6th, 2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
Not if both of you are in it for the same thing.
Jun. 6th, 2005 02:26 pm (UTC)
... which is really, really hard to judge. Not everyone is self-aware enough to express their real motivations for their actions, especially when nookie is involved.

How many times have you heard the story of someone just wanting something "casual" then later "falling" for their fuckbuddy? That's what I'm talking about.
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC)
A realistic fear.
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:52 pm (UTC)
I think it is patronising to say, "No, because even if you say you won't fall for me, you might, and then I will feel guilty."

Assuming it is sex with an adult, which I damn well AM assuming, then SHE gets to decide if she wants to toss the dice with her emotions in the future. Not you.

That's my opinion, anyway.
Jun. 6th, 2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
It's all about informed consent, d00d.
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
And that is a good place to start, but it's also not necessarily stable.
Jun. 6th, 2005 05:17 pm (UTC)
If they are willing, they go through to the end, it's their prob if they get attatched. If you get attatched, its your prob. If you are two consenting adults mature enough to have sex, you better be mature enough to take responsibility for yourself.
If it's more than once or twice, then some people find it necessary to have "conversations" with each other about expectations and things. I don't like it because to me, that's the first step in getting involved with the other's emotions. "well I was hurt that you didn't call....bla bla" If that becomes an issue, that usage for physical release is no longer successful with that individual. They are to bonded to you in an emotional state.
Using someone, (really you are prob using each other) can be successful but each individual needs to set boundaries for self. And have a certain amount of maturity.
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
What if it's not about sex?

See, the sex I can handle. The physical release of orgasm, or even the occasional need for a partner for such activities is not outside of my reach (if you will pardon the double pun), but it's the small intimacies-- things like kissing, or sleeping together, or snuggling-- that I have a hard time with. Those are the things that I sorely miss. And I think those are the things that are harder to separate from emotionality, particularly if you share them with a friend.

None of this is easy.
Jun. 6th, 2005 06:59 pm (UTC)
I think you can cuddle and be physically intimate with a friend, without going Monogamy-Exclusive, etc. I remember a particular evening when I went out on a romantic date, and was all excited afterwards, and a good friend lay on top of me in her bed while I told her about it, and it was fine.

But that might just be my mutantness talking.
Jun. 6th, 2005 07:19 pm (UTC)
True. That sort of physical intimacy is a deeper hunger for the connection of another soul. That is what I would personally associate it with anyway. I have the same cravings. If it's just the cuddling you are craving, that could happen with someone you are not attracted to at all correct? Even someone from the same sex. But if the idea of "cuddling" with someone from the same sex, (assuming you are not gay or have tendancies) is not satisfying, then no, its obviously something so much more.That hunger is normal sexual psychological needs. It's what happens when you are not with someone right? But what can you do?

-) Find someone who could share those intamacies with and run the risk of losing yourself emotionally to that person without the return (because face it, you wouldn't be asking this question if it were a mutual offering right?)

-Get a dog because they love you unconditionally no matter what you do to them or how they treat you. Cat's work sometimes.

- Take up something horribly physical so that whenever you lie your head down on your pillow you are much to tired to think of anything BUT sleeping (I like this one, use it a lot)

- Borrow a child or adopt one (Purchasing or having one for this sole reason highly not recommended but I do find immense comfort in cuddling with my daughter) Age 2-5 good!

- Acknowledge those feelings and then think about other things that bring happiness to your life. Even if they are small. Eating chocolate, watching a movie....whatever. That's what is keeping me going currently. Well, and the hugs from my goon-child.

The intensity will come and go. Find other things to fill your time than dwelling on the discomfort of it all. Relax and let things go and you'll find they swing around quicker than expected!

Jun. 6th, 2005 11:43 pm (UTC)
I have a dog, and a handful of cats. This is a longing for human companionship, and pretty definitely of the female persuasion, so there is a sexual component to it buried in there somewhere. And there is something else-- trust-- that is required.

I'm pretty good most of the time. Once in a while though, it gets overwhelming.

Um, sorry... preaching to the choir...
Jun. 7th, 2005 02:36 pm (UTC)
Just keep swimmin man! You'll run into something sooner or later!
Jun. 9th, 2005 08:13 pm (UTC)
Not if they are using you for the same reason ;)
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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