I know that I've been rampaging through a lot of relationship-and-terror stuff as of late. It's been pretty much in the forefront of the cerebrum, and it makes for a distinct lack of emotional clarity in my life, so it's what I write about.
I'm discovering things about myself that I'm not particularly proud of. It is one thing to look at things intellectually and make decisions about them; it is quite another to stand by those decisions in the heat of battle (or passion, or what have you).
The current situation that has me wringing my hands is pretty much entirely of my own making. There are external circumstances that have kind of guided me here, but I have a firm hand in what happens.
Knowing friends have had reactions between what the hell are you thinking to go for it, depending on their knowledge of the circumstances. One particularly insightful question was whether I was testing myself, and I've had to think about that. The answer that I've settled on is that there is a component of testing involved, yes. It is not the whole circumstance, but it is a part.
Another part of it is that I have been out of intimacy for far too long, and now I have ready access to a friend who fulfills a part of that need/desire. The big problem with that is that the boundaries haven't been laid out well, and I know that I need to have that talk with her.
The second problem is that assuming that there will be some level of physical intimacy (not sexual), and knowing that I am not really ready for any major emotional involvement, there is a nagging butt-pump of fear that I don't know how well I can handle being emotionally separate from intimacy.
One answer of course would be to "remove the temptation" or "just say no". Both things which I am very bad at. Plus, this is a person, a good friend who I trust, and not a piece of orgasmo-chocolate cake or a bag of primo chiba.
I know what I have to do next. Doesn't make it fun.