Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Befuddled and cornfused.

There is a line in Neuromancer about the existence as a player in the city. Roughly corresponds to "move too fast and you attract too much attention, move too slow and the sharks will eat you". It's the sign of being in an uncomfortable place.

I know this feeling well. It's the moo of my daily existence. There is a pace that I have to support, a speed of distraction where I keep myself busy with projects and I don't have the time to sit and think and reflect on stuff, or the thoughts will eat me alive.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this same way. And there are folks who have a hell of a lot more ugly crap in their lives to deal with than I do.

But I also know that if I don't provide myself with enough distractions, I will think myself into a meltdown. It's a good sign that something is broken (besides the Big Broken Box™).

I should be well able to just stop for a while, maybe sit and listen to some music, or go have a beer or six on the back porch. I should be able to do this without feeling guilt or pressure or fear.

I know that I do this to myself. I don't understand why, or really how to not do it. I'm really not a type A.

Part of it is that I tend to work toward something, wanting to do the work now for the delayed reward. The delayed reward may never come, but if I'm not working towards it, I know it won't come.

I haven't been on a real vacation in something like ten years. Hell, I don't think I've actually gone on a long non-business trip since I went to Joey's wedding in New York, I think that was '96.

Well, I did go to Kansas City for Halloween and Thanksgiving this last year, but if we're talking a week or two away, I don't remember the last time.

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