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Aug. 4th, 2005

Scrofulous baggage and twit.

I feel like I've gotten away from the whole concept of healing and progress that I wanted to be making once I got back home. I haven't been getting any regular exercise (yes, lifting concrete is exercise, but it's not regular or really aerobic), I haven't been cleaning the house like I should, I haven't been doing the brickwork as much as I should have been.

I feel like a mess.

I've been home long enough to kind of settle into a routine, but that routine isn't a particularly healthy one. I need to break out of the rut that I'm in and make some distinct changes in the way that I do things.

Okay, the weather hasn't been helping. The hot-and-humid thing makes physical labor difficult. And the house not really having good air conditioning except in the bedroom does make it uncomfortable. And the house is pretty overwhelming.

I'm hoping that getting this load of Barbstuff out will give me a small niche that I can use to start lifting myself back up again.

Last night I dreamt that I went on a blind date with a woman that I met on the internet. We had been e-mailing back and forth for a while and really seemed to hit it off. Then we decided to meet; as soon as she saw me, I could see the disappointment in her eyes, and she became distant and evasive. I asked her what was wrong, and she hemmed and hawed for a bit, and then said "well, you're not the most testosterone-filled guy I've met".

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I really don't want the Big Broken Box™ to be so broken anymore. I'd really like to fix it up nicely and have people over for social events. I miss being a host.

But I also want more space.

I don't really need a big house. What I need is a big studio and a big workshop. And enough space to run around in so the dog is happy.

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