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Aug. 14th, 2005


Confluence of events and images and general sensory input has made me question the whole dating and relationship thing. Yes, again.

Right now I'm not getting it anymore. Is it really all about sex? Or is that living in meatspace just so overwhelming of the senses that it's blanking out the more subtle and caring aspects of the type of companionship that I'd like?

Right now it seems far from real. Right now it feels like what I want is a live-in combination therapist, housekeeper, and porn starlet. And I know that's coming from a really warped place-- I can feel the warping. I know this is not really who I am, and that the long-term stress is fucking with me in ways that I really don't like.

But the stress isn't going away anytime soon.

I know I need to NOT get any kind of emotional involvement now. I know that this is the time when I am most likely to make ugly mistakes, either getting involved with someone who would be really really bad, or finding someone who might actually be someone I could enjoy, and treating her badly.

On the other hand, I really really want a physical relationship. And relationship is the wrong word. I want to be buried long-term in sensuality, the touching of skin-on-skin, the taste, the smell of an intimate lover. But I don't want to have to deal with anything beyond the physical.

It's not a good place to be.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
mle292
Aug. 14th, 2005 07:15 pm (UTC)
Not even two cents worth of advice.
It's not a good place to be.

I've been there and bought a t-shirt from the gift shop.

Take all the time you need, I promise it will get better. Spend time with friends, get back to where you feel optimistic about dating.

Wheee! Doesn't it feel great to do the honorable thing and wait? No? Well, okay, it feels like crap. You would probably get some cathartic, immediate satisfaction out of taking out all your misery on someone. BUT - You wouldn't like it if someone else unloaded baggage eqivilant to a steam trunk full of vomit and bile all over your hope chest for a new relationship. Don't do it. (I just can't decide if that metaphor is clever or unnecessarily unpleasant)

Get a massage, get a lap dance, cuddle with friends, whatever... Find a way to fulfill your needs without terrorizing anyone else.
magicmarmot
Aug. 14th, 2005 07:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Not even two cents worth of advice.
I'm not about to terrorize anyone else, as long as I actually recognize it for what it is. But I also don't seem to cultivate the kind of friendships where I can say "Hey, would you mind if I come over and bury my face between your thighs for a couple of hours?".

Then again, I've never asked.
mle292
Aug. 14th, 2005 10:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Not even two cents worth of advice.
Here's the part where I act like kind of a jerk.

This - Right now it feels like what I want is a live-in combination therapist, housekeeper, and porn starlet. conflicts directly with But I don't want to have to deal with anything beyond the physical.

I'd bet a million dollars that I'm projecting some of my very own history and frustrations with past relationships onto this. It may or may not actually apply to you.

It looks like you want the intimacy (emotional and physical) of a *real* relationship, but you want to be the only one who gets to define how intimate the relationship will be at any given moment. I promise that's a nightmare of a relationship for anyone you would date right now. After about a month of alternating between *therapist* and *nothing serious* the unlucky girl would burst into tears or throttle you. Maybe both.
magicmarmot
Aug. 15th, 2005 04:25 am (UTC)
Re: Not even two cents worth of advice.
I get that. I get that I'm inconsistent and impossible, and I'd be frustrating to the unlucky girl. That's why I'm not pursuing anything with anyone, and I am distinctly holding back.

I also know that it won't last forever. And I know a lot about what will bring me back into the fold, and it's a long way off. In the meantime, all that frustration is mine to deal with and figure out.

And it sucks.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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