Confluence of events and images and general sensory input has made me question the whole dating and relationship thing. Yes, again.
Right now I'm not getting it anymore. Is it really all about sex? Or is that living in meatspace just so overwhelming of the senses that it's blanking out the more subtle and caring aspects of the type of companionship that I'd like?
Right now it seems far from real. Right now it feels like what I want is a live-in combination therapist, housekeeper, and porn starlet. And I know that's coming from a really warped place-- I can feel the warping. I know this is not really who I am, and that the long-term stress is fucking with me in ways that I really don't like.
But the stress isn't going away anytime soon.
I know I need to NOT get any kind of emotional involvement now. I know that this is the time when I am most likely to make ugly mistakes, either getting involved with someone who would be really really bad, or finding someone who might actually be someone I could enjoy, and treating her badly.
On the other hand, I really really want a physical relationship. And relationship is the wrong word. I want to be buried long-term in sensuality, the touching of skin-on-skin, the taste, the smell of an intimate lover. But I don't want to have to deal with anything beyond the physical.
It's not a good place to be.
