contemplativeIt used to be that I would be pretty much constantly horny. Growing up in a repressed household, I did not exactly have good woman-relationships in high school. When I got out and was on my own, I was introduced to the world of strippers and sex performers by working for an agency that supplied such talent. So many of my first sexual experiences were in a rather highly-charged atmosphere.
Then I finally got out of sex-world (not the store) and into radio. Totally different experience, meeting women who weren't professionally naked for a living. Much more interesting. Also much more frustrating. Subsidized the porn industry for a while.
Then college. Ohmigod. wildly different experiences with many different women of various needs, wants, desires, and levels of friendliness. Some good, some bad. Where I came up with the rule: Never date the insane. Got involved heavily with someone, got engaged, got married, got divorced. Got issues. Took some time off of dating and relationships, entirely by choice. A little over a year. Then I got involved with someone in a very long-term relationship.
During all that, I never really dated. Most relationships I had formed out of friendship and close contact, and moved right into relationships. I suppose in a way that's healthy, but there is a part of me that still longs for the old stripper days where sexuality was a part of every day and I had a combination of strictly friendships, quick-and-meaningless physical encounters, and quite deep personal friendships with a variety of naked women.
But strangely enough, it's not sex that I'm craving. It's nudity. Or more specifically, it's being comfortable around a lot of naked women. I crave the sensual touching, the looking, the laughing, the carefree nature, the sense of play. I miss giving massages, and getting massages, and tickling, and spending a weekend in bed. I miss sensuality.
And you know, it's not really the kind of thing you can ask of your friends. "Hey, you wanna get naked and give each other massages?" It just seems to get taken the wrong way.
And it's not really the kind of thing you can pay for. Sure, you can get a massage (I have a great masseuse), but it's not so much sensual as maintenance. And you can go to a different kind of massage parlor, but that is not really a shared sensual experience (being neither shared nor very sensual), and is usually disappointing on many levels as well as being expensive.
I suppose it's possible to find someone via the internet, but I have no idea where to look, and I am very leery of meeting someone for an "intimate sensual encounter" via a chatroom or a Yahoo! group.
Am I asking too much? Should I just resign myself to fleeting memories of days gone by? Should I try to find others with my sensibilities (and where would I look)?