I miss being deep.
Somewhere in my life, I started down a path of doing project after project to keep myself busy and distracted from the emotional and physical state of things around me. I could probably pinpoint an event, or series of unfortunate events that were key in making this happen.
There was a time when I used to dig deep into the writings of Fenyman and Penrose, Shannon and Turing, and so many others whose names have now mostly faded from memory. I used to be buried deep in the brain, looking at how to model consciousness and whether it could be done at all.
These days, I don't have time to read a book, or watch a movie from beginning to end. And it is entirely a golem of my own creation. I'm the one who chose to do these things. I'm the one who took on the responsibility of doing project after project. I'm the one who fills up my cup.
And part of it is that if I keep busy, I don't have to feel lonely.
But I've also discovered that in doing these things-- making movies, working on the house, inventing cool stuff-- I've come to like them. I enjoy the creativity, I enjoy the camraderie, I enjoy the feeling that I get from making something cool. And as I've been doing these things, I've begun to feel better about myself, more truly confident, happier within my own being.
Healing.
It's moving in the right direction. Not perfect yet, but better than I've been for a long time.
So I wonder what happens if I take a break. Do I begin to deteriorate and fret and lose the progress that I've made? Do I become maudlin and depressed and start writing bad poetry (again)? Or do I buoy up on the confidence that I've built and find a way to relax?
I'm betting it's a little of both. If I can even do it.