lacking depth

I feel like when I'm writing stuff down here, it's lacking depth. When I go back and read over the last (garbled) months, there's not a lot there beyond What I Did Today and the odd meme. A few concerns about illness & weight issues and a lot of talk about the porch, but far removed from any kind of deep thoughts or creative writing exercises or anything like that.

I feel like I'm boring.

Maybe I am. The reality is that I'm a divorced middle-aged white guy (which is so boring that it doesn't even have an acronym like DMAWG) with a computer job in the 9-5 world of Corporate America. I don't have children, my pets don't do anythying extraordinary, I haven't seen Bigfoot, I don't seem to have a ghost in my house, and to my knowledge I've never been abducted by aliens (I do have the mark, but it could just be varicose veins).

I do some interesting things, like making movies. But we've reached that part of moviemaking that is really exquisitely boring: I just spent three hours trying to get the sound of the tentacle dissolving her flesh just right isn't a particularly significant thing when you do it for days on end. It's sitting in front of a computer, and that's not exactly an extraordinary thing.

I make zombies, but I haven't had time to work on any, because more mundane things have taken precedence like cleaning and fixing the house.

I could talk about my sex life, but that would take all of ten seconds, and nobody wants to hear about the consistencies of different hand lotions or what my favorite¹ is, particularly in that context.

I feel very dull talking about illnesses and medical-related issues, because it seems like such a cry for pity, and I really don't want pity (unless it leads to really good pity sex). It's really not fun.

And that's really it then, innit? I want to be a veritable playground of fun, and I'm not feeling up to that role anymore. Or at least not right now.

Yeah, it has a lot to do with the Big Broken Box™. There's a significant chunk of stuff that needs to be done on that huge beastie, and I'm feeling a bit less than adequate to handle it anymore. It's not that I don't know how to do it, it's that I don't feel physically able to do some of the stuff that needs to be done. I feel a lot more fragile than I've ever felt before, and that's just wrong.

Maybe I've just stopped feeling invincible.

Yeah, you know, I'm actually a little scared. I don't know if I can do all of this anymore.


































¹Vaseline Intensive Care with Aloe Vera, in case you were wondering.