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Next to oddliness

Various bits of soul-searching.

I know that I've been hiding from my feelings as of late. Unexplained as to why. Possibly because of medication, partly due to overwhelming stress, partly due to massive life-changing events happening in my world.

If I had to try and pick one descriptive word, it would probably be "dissatisfaction". I am not where I want to be in just about every area of my life right now. And yeah, a lot of that is because I want to be so many things. But I can't settle on just one thing.

I suppose if I ever get to be those things I want to be, I won't have anything to look forward to.

I'm dissatisfied with the latest movie-making stuff. It's really Tony's movie. He'd the writer, director & editor, I'm just the cinematographer and all around tech guy. I'll also be doing a lot of the postproduction stuff. I'm happy with the work I did, but it's not really my movie. So I'm left with a feeling of accomplishment, but a need for a more direct experience.

I'm dissatisfied that I haven't done any photo shoots in the studio for well over a year now.

I'm dissatisfied that I don't have my electronics lab set up yet.

I'm dissatisfied that I haven't learned Java yet.

I'm dissatisfied that my list of fun projects to-do has grown longer without growing very much shorter. This does make sense in a weird way.

I've grown artistically and creatively, but I think I crave recognition. I want acceptance and admiration.

Ooo-eee, I think we're onto something there.

Profundity of the day:
Words are simply shadows of an idea.
It's up to you to make them real.

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April 2012


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