Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

  • Mood:
Weird place today.

First of all, the dry weather is wreaking havoc with my sinuses, so my head feels like it was baked in some sort of explosive, then let loose on a roller derby rink to be toyed with by aggressive violent women, and not in a good way. I've taken both decongestants and enough ibuprofen to choke a horse, and it still makes me almost nauseated if I move my head with any speed whatsoever.

Second, my hands are bloody cold, and I can't seem to warm them up.

I'm guessing that it's because I haven't been out walking for a couple of days (too freaking cold) that I'm feeling less-than-happy. Combine that with the drugs, and I'm in a brainspace that is none too cheery.

I'm feeling really alone and isolated. I know it's completely illusory, but I feel incredibly insulated from friends and family-- well, pretty much non-family, but you get my drift.

Yeah, okay, it's winter. It's cold, the days are short, the skies are pretty much dark whenever I have the gruel to be awake and not working. And it's the holiday season, that nonspecific time in between Thanksgiving and New Years when the world pretty much ends.

Add to that the Barbarism (cute word) that happened last week, and I'm feeling a bit like a Mayan sacrifice, all torn and bleeding.

I should work out. I should write. I should clean the house. I should find warmer clothes and take the dog for a walk.

Nothing seems worth doing. Even just sitting and watching a movie sounds distatsteful. And curling up under the covers, while easy, lets my mind rush by at tornadolike speeds filled with recrimination and bluster, and it's not an enjoyable thing in the least.

I'm not looking for fixes. There is no fix for this, it happens. I'm logging it for posterity. I know that I'm not the most enjoyable thing to be around on days like this, so I try and hide away and limit my exposure. Lucky you, you get a window seat.

My love-mood is in a really bad place. I feel today like I will never connect with anyone on that level ever again. I'm having a hard time even playing today, as almost every instance of interpersonal communication feels like an attack.

I feel lost and alone. Like being on a rescue raft at sea during a really big storm, and being in the trough between two waves, where I can't see anything but water and wind and the stormy sky.

I'm cold. And there are wolves after me.

Water wolves, apparently. Screw it, I can mix my metaphors if I wanna. Like "a duck out of water", that's my favorite right now.

I know it will get better, and probably soon. I just want to write about it now, while I'm in the throes so I can remember later when I need to.
Tags: depression, love, navel gazing
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