Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

How To Be A Cultist:

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in
the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing
sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the
following general guidelines for Cultists.

  1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
  2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct pronunciation of your
    deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash
    cards are often helpful.
  3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
  4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts
    unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures,
    and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
  5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough.
    Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the
    Powers of Darkness.
  6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife,
    Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and
  7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel
    rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure
    route to the bottom of the Thames.
  8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged
    demons always go for the pompous.
  9. Don't gloat.
  10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.
  11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don't leave the hero(es) to die
    slowly. They don't.
  12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to die slowly, don't
    have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at the last moment to foil
    your evil plot.
  13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible moment to foil
    your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour early -- they hate that.
  14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still
    affording ample concealment.
  15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely
    comfortable with.
  16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not
    absolutely comfortable with.
  17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands
    of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety
  18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
  19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally
    considered "bad form."
  20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual.
    The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been
    witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
  21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the
    shit comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the
    gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity
    that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
  22. Never play strip Tarot.
  23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand
    against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is
    also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared
    change sides at the drop of a hat.
  24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible
    (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a
    previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock
    victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.

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