Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

Over the lunch break, I headed over to the Holiday Station Store of Infamy: the scene of my oh-so-recent event. This visit went without incident, but I was not there without some trepidation and hesitancy.

After a couple of days of looking at what happened and getting some very good comments, somethings have kind of bubbled to the surface. The girl I'll leave out of it, because I can't change her, and it's likely that I'll never see her again (I can only hope). It's my behavior that warrants the analysis that I've been mulling over, because it bothers me so much.

And I think it boils down to content vs. intent.

What I said to her was pretty much inappropriate, yeah. It could be construed as borderline verbal sexual assault, though I think in the technical sense it wasn't anything that could be prosecuted. The content was graphically sexual. But the intent was not. I never had any intention of doing any of the things that I said to her, and my thoughts at the time were not sexual in nature. The content was there because of the battlefield that she picked, because of the inference that I picked up from her comments to me. She wasn't commenting on my weight so much as my sexuality. I wasn't at the checkout with a carton of Twinkies.

My intent was to hurt her, to cause her emotional distress. I wanted to give her nightmares.

And that's the thing that bothers me.

I could have just told her to fuck off, or called her a bitch, or any of a number of things. None of those things would have reached her, or at least not in the way I wanted to. I'm sure she's been called worse, and is probably used to it enough that it wouldn't have any impact.

But I went out of my way to hurt someone else. I went to it to intentionally harm her. I did it on purpose and with malice. I wasn't trying to teach her a lesson, I was out to bring her pain.

Was it justified? I don't know. I think in that circumstance, at that time, to me it was. From the space of a few days away, not so much.

I behaved badly.

What's done is done. I can't change that. Hopefully I can take away something from this that will help me not behave so badly in the future.

In the meantime, I think I need to come with a warning label:

You really don't want my undivided attention.

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