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Um, no, you don't have to think of me sexually. I'd probably feel a little uncomfortable if you did.

However, I do. It's a part of who I am, and I'm not entirely sure how much of a part.

It's sort of like passing a smutstone.


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 12th, 2005 03:28 am (UTC)

Isn't sexuality a part of who we *all* are?

Dec. 12th, 2005 05:32 am (UTC)
Then, why aren't there any non-sexual options in the last two polls you posted? I understand that was where your head was at. But as someone who knows you, I couldn't find a platonic and friendly answer. That made me uncomfortable in even completing your poll. So I figured I'd say something rather than be weird about it.
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:57 am (UTC)
I had to go back and check.

As much as I want to give a flip answer, I'm gonna actually be serious, because you asked, because it's harder, and because it makes me face it.

The last couple of polls have been weird attempts at humor.

I'm in a really messy and ugly space in my head right now. I feel very uncomfortable with myself physically, I feel like I'm not doing enough to fix myself and the house and pretty much everything else, I feel very not capable, and not worthy of being loved.

Throw the rather ugly happening at the Holiday station a couple of days ago on top of that, along with the end-of-days thing happening with Barb, and I'm REALLY in a bad place. And I can't get away from it.

So I try to use humor to make it less of a monster. If I can laugh at what pain I feel, maybe it will take away some of its power. I thought they were pretty obvious attempts at humor, but if they make you uncomfortable, they're probably missing something. Or maybe they're uncomfortable because they're so close to something that really hurts inside me. I'm not exactly objective.

I can tell you that it's gonna get worse. I will however try and refrain from having overt sexual content in something interactive. I really didn't mean for it to be offensive, you know?
Dec. 12th, 2005 03:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks for talking honestly about this.

You have a right to be sexual. In fact, I openly admit just how important it is to see yourself as a sexual person. I'm very glad it's something you are working to claim even in times of struggle.

Problem with humor is that there is often something underneath it that is true. That's what makes a joke funny. I just saw Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic last night. It was hysterical. It was also offensive as hell. But that woman is really talented at making the world and the situations in it, particularly the sexual and the ugliness of people's bias, absurd and therefore funny.

What I feel sometimes happens with you is that you are working so hard to find value in your sexuality, you don't make it easy for others to think you're valuable in non-sexual ways. The closest I found to an acceptable answer in one of your latest polls was "I'm already taken, otherwise I'd be all over you." Well, I didn't complete that poll because that answer isn't true either. While I see you as someone who absolutely should pursue comfortability with your sexuality, that doesn't mean that I value you because of it. I value you for a shit-ton of reasons. You are an incredible conversationist. We have fabulous interactions on art and creative projects. You're a very genuinely kind and open individual. You are someone who is unafraid to be honest about your hurts and be truthful about your struggles. You are incredibly talented in diverse ways. I like you. A lot.

But I don't think of you sexually. Regardless of me bullshitting with people when I'm feeling playful, I think of VERY VERY FEW people sexually. And now that I'm with combustafarian and am completely content with all aspects of our relationship, I'm just not looking at anyone sexually. Now I can appreciate someone's sexuality, but that's not the same as viewing them that way.

Problem is, I know those polls are loaded. As much as they are a joke, they are a black joke. You actually struggle with those ideas. I don't want to give you glib untrue answers, 'cause I don't necessarily think that's really helpful to you.

Yes, I think you are a sexual person. No, I don't see you that way or desire you in any capacity. But I value you. It makes me rather sad that isn't as meaningful to you. It bothers me that you don't even allow that as an option. Not because I'm upset, but because I don't feel I can support you, as what I have to offer isn't on the list. While you absolutely should be confident in your own sexuality, you shouldn't need other's validation of it to have it in the first place. That's a very delicately dangerous way of finding value.

I'm sorry this is a particularly rough patch. I'm sorry that others are making you feel undesirable and less than human. You don't deserve that. I'm more sorry that you believe them.

Life is a lonely thing. Even people in relationships struggle with all the things you're struggling with. Most people lie to themselves in relationships. They're so hungry to have someone around that they lose pieces of themselves and compromise important things. Don't assume that being single is the soure of your unhappiness.

I'm really truly sorry that you're hurting. Know that I am here as a friend. I see you as incredibly valuable. I'm sorry if I misunderstood the intent of your poll and made a big deal out of this. I just happen to think your genuine happiness is a big deal.
Dec. 12th, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
It was a pretty hard decision to try to not just be fluffy. And it's not really one that I'm entirely comfortable with yet, either. There are other aspects that I haven't gotten into because they are even deeper and darker, and I'm just not ready for them to be public yet to anyone.

I appreciate the kindness. It means a lot to me, even though I may not express that in so many words. Thank you.
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:38 am (UTC)
I can relate. I often say sexual things to try and be humorous and well just to be bawdy/dirty/shocking. Unfortunately, not everyone sees things this way.

More than once, I have offended people I care about and even some I could care less about. I think as long as the dialogue is kept open, and you don't take criticisms too hard, you can keep being who you are--just be mindful you may have to backpedal once in a while.

lucyruthe has a right to her feelings on it--and if you like her, you could be more aware in the future...

ON THE FLIPSIDE--it is YOUR Journal. No one should be telling you what you can and cannot put in it except LJ owners and operators. No one is forcing us to read or participate in anything which may be uncomfortable or offensive.

At least you are not putting your foot in your mouth directly like I do when replying to specific posts, posters on LJ. I totally know how you feel. I love sex and sexuallity in all its forms. I love your poll (pole?).

Hehehe...rock on! but rock me GENTLY.
Dec. 12th, 2005 10:08 am (UTC)
It's one of those things that I never really intended to be taken seriously-- I'm still kind of amazed whenever it happens.

I'm gonna offend people from time to time. I'm far too prolific and I tend to not shy away from uncomfortable topics, but there is a difference when it's a poll. Polls tend to be more interactive, they request your participation, where comments require an active decision on the part of the reader to comment.

But I also know that I'm not in a very good place in any facet of my life, and it's not looking like it's gonna be turning around anytime soon.
Dec. 12th, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
I dig you man. Do whatever you wanna do. It is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to offend me. Unless you give up. THAT will piss me off.

Now I know exactly what you are saying. happens to me constantly on LJ and in life. we are misunderstood often.

I get you. And yep, you feel low and like crap right now. But hey ---I AM CRIPPLED. :)

So I win. CHEER UP FUCKER. :) See? i did not say I LOVE YOU MAN--not once.
Dec. 12th, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC)
Giving up-- man, if I had someone to give up to, I probably would have done it a long time ago. Fuckers keep hiding on me.

I keep running this line of not wanting to offend anyone, but at the same time wanting to have depth. And some of this shit inside me isn't pretty, so it's gonna be offensive to somebody.

I've lost some people along the way because they were so offended by things that I said that they flaked. Come to think of it, they were sexual things.

Aw, crap. I am the creepy old guy, aren't I?
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:35 pm (UTC)
We have soooo MUCH in common...you have NO IDEA.
I just lost a huge group of friends last year over the VERY same thing.

DEAR GOD we are both dirty old men! H'ep!

Then what the hell--I'll do you. Whose gonna know? :)

Well--besides everyone who reads the public posts on LJ i mean.
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC)
Shh! I'm trying to keep it a secret! I'm not out yet!
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:50 pm (UTC)
Ahhh So the DRESS and the HIGH HEELS are your COVER?

good plan. :)
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
Well, you know that dress doesn't cover much...
Dec. 12th, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC)
thankfully. ;) sexy boy.
Dec. 12th, 2005 03:53 pm (UTC)
Hey there beautiful!

I'm gonna reply directly to you so both you and magicmarmot get a copy of it.

I don't take either of you joking with me sexually in a bad way. I understand your intent and your love and the fact that you say it as a compliment.

As a girl, though, it's a difficult line. Someimes compliments on attractiveness made to a girl undermines their other values. Our society has a tendency to reduce women to merely their appearance. A woman who is attractive is more valuable. It's not the same for men. Being viewed sexually as a man is empowerment, not reduction. An underlying belief in our society is that a woman doesn't have to be smart if she's pretty.

Now I am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying that either of you do this or even begin to think that way. I have never been truly offended by either of you, because I know you both have pretty, loving, open and generous hearts.

Sometimes when I'm talking about something weighty and important, my breasts and my appearance are completely irrelevant to me. Because I don't find value in that. It's just surface stuff. I mean, I like me. I like me a lot. I like feeling sexy and being sexy, but my value is in me. In my character. As a woman, I sometimes have to battle to get people to look at me as more than my surface features. That's our society. That's something women have to figure out how to interact with. Men have to figure it out too. They're just coming from a different socially expected stereotype and approach it differently.

I honestly don't get offended by the sexual value the two of you play with me about. It's just that sometimes I want to talk about the ideas and not about the value placed on me by appearance. Sometimes women are reduced to their appearance not empowered by it. There is a place for everything. And lord knows I enjoy playing as much as anyone else. But sometimes I want the focus to be on things other than my tits, which honestly, don't mean much to me.

I hope this helps clarify. Don't ever think I'm offended. If I am, I'd say so. Believe that about me. Sometimes I address subjects because I think they're important. That is very different than taking it personally.
Dec. 12th, 2005 05:38 pm (UTC)
I tend to be flirty and playful when I'm in a good mood, but I tend to be that way with "safe" women. Rejection is much easier to take when you know it's not serious.

I think though that when I'm not in a good mood, particularly when I'm in a really not-very-good place, I try and be flirty and playful in an attempt to pull myself out of the hole I feel like I'm in, and it ends up coming off as desperate and creepy. At least sometimes.

Hey, I like to be creepy in a playful sense. I like to be creepy in the Halloween-tombstones-and-zombies-and scary-rides sense. I don't like to be creepy in the freaky-old-man-in-the-back-of-the-bus-with-the-raincoat-and-no-pants sense.

I love going to different places mentally, and having long and interesting dicussions and debates about various things. I miss that a lot from my college days when philosophical discussions every day were the norm.

But on a day when I can have my sense of self-worth reduced to less than the price of a magazine by an 18-year-old girl, I gotta say that I get the being-taken-for-your-physical-attributes thing, just from the other side of the mirror. And no, it's not fun.

I wouldn't try to play if I didn't appreciate you.
Dec. 12th, 2005 05:54 pm (UTC)
I wouldn't try to play if I didn't appreciate you.

And I absolutely believe that about you. I just wanted to explain why the sexual comments get ignored sometimes. Sometimes that sort of playfullness steals from what's really goin' on. Sometimes that's more than fine! Sometimes it gives me pause because of all the other societal implications that go along with it and I'm feeling rebellious and on-topic.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I really do agree that you can use your journal however you want/need to.

I just wanted you to know that I wanted to fill out your poll, but couldn't relate to the answers. It's a hard thing. I didn't want you to think I was avoiding it or you or the things on your mind, but I also didn't feel that I could respond honestly.

I'm sorry that the bastards got you down. There are those of us who do see your incredible value.
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:23 pm (UTC)
Oh sweetie I know that. really I get you. In the Gay community we are faced with simillar battles. The fact that the word HOMOSEXUAL itself has the word sex in it---is somewhat a red letter in and of itself. A badge we are forced to wear outwardly by a society that will never fully understand.

I am really as a PERSON--about 1 percent sex and 99 percent human. I think sometimes we are just being lazy and that can come off as insensitive. I think it is definately EASY to pick on your looks (or most people's for that matter). Just as it is easier for the world to see me as crippled rather than Tim.

I love you and I really do apologize for taking the easy way out and not exploring the issues you were having, and maybe just listening as a real friend should do at times like this.

You don't have to prove to me there is something beating beneath that chest of yours.
It is clearly evident after 5 minutes of speaking to you. I hope I will have more opportunity to share with you heart to heart in the future. You deserve nothing less than the best of those around you. I could make you a huge list as to why you are an incredible person.

I am not gonna do that. I think we both know. And if you feel like sometimes the world only sees you in a 2D way, I will be there to defend you to the best of my ability.

God knows you have dealt with your share of belittlement--as have I. You let me know straight up what you need (as you always have) and I will do everything I can to be there for you.

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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