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Um, no, you don't have to think of me sexually. I'd probably feel a little uncomfortable if you did.

However, I do. It's a part of who I am, and I'm not entirely sure how much of a part.

It's sort of like passing a smutstone.

Comments

magicmarmot
Dec. 12th, 2005 09:57 am (UTC)
I had to go back and check.

As much as I want to give a flip answer, I'm gonna actually be serious, because you asked, because it's harder, and because it makes me face it.


The last couple of polls have been weird attempts at humor.

I'm in a really messy and ugly space in my head right now. I feel very uncomfortable with myself physically, I feel like I'm not doing enough to fix myself and the house and pretty much everything else, I feel very not capable, and not worthy of being loved.

Throw the rather ugly happening at the Holiday station a couple of days ago on top of that, along with the end-of-days thing happening with Barb, and I'm REALLY in a bad place. And I can't get away from it.

So I try to use humor to make it less of a monster. If I can laugh at what pain I feel, maybe it will take away some of its power. I thought they were pretty obvious attempts at humor, but if they make you uncomfortable, they're probably missing something. Or maybe they're uncomfortable because they're so close to something that really hurts inside me. I'm not exactly objective.

I can tell you that it's gonna get worse. I will however try and refrain from having overt sexual content in something interactive. I really didn't mean for it to be offensive, you know?
lucyruthe
Dec. 12th, 2005 03:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks for talking honestly about this.

You have a right to be sexual. In fact, I openly admit just how important it is to see yourself as a sexual person. I'm very glad it's something you are working to claim even in times of struggle.

Problem with humor is that there is often something underneath it that is true. That's what makes a joke funny. I just saw Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic last night. It was hysterical. It was also offensive as hell. But that woman is really talented at making the world and the situations in it, particularly the sexual and the ugliness of people's bias, absurd and therefore funny.

What I feel sometimes happens with you is that you are working so hard to find value in your sexuality, you don't make it easy for others to think you're valuable in non-sexual ways. The closest I found to an acceptable answer in one of your latest polls was "I'm already taken, otherwise I'd be all over you." Well, I didn't complete that poll because that answer isn't true either. While I see you as someone who absolutely should pursue comfortability with your sexuality, that doesn't mean that I value you because of it. I value you for a shit-ton of reasons. You are an incredible conversationist. We have fabulous interactions on art and creative projects. You're a very genuinely kind and open individual. You are someone who is unafraid to be honest about your hurts and be truthful about your struggles. You are incredibly talented in diverse ways. I like you. A lot.

But I don't think of you sexually. Regardless of me bullshitting with people when I'm feeling playful, I think of VERY VERY FEW people sexually. And now that I'm with combustafarian and am completely content with all aspects of our relationship, I'm just not looking at anyone sexually. Now I can appreciate someone's sexuality, but that's not the same as viewing them that way.

Problem is, I know those polls are loaded. As much as they are a joke, they are a black joke. You actually struggle with those ideas. I don't want to give you glib untrue answers, 'cause I don't necessarily think that's really helpful to you.

Yes, I think you are a sexual person. No, I don't see you that way or desire you in any capacity. But I value you. It makes me rather sad that isn't as meaningful to you. It bothers me that you don't even allow that as an option. Not because I'm upset, but because I don't feel I can support you, as what I have to offer isn't on the list. While you absolutely should be confident in your own sexuality, you shouldn't need other's validation of it to have it in the first place. That's a very delicately dangerous way of finding value.

I'm sorry this is a particularly rough patch. I'm sorry that others are making you feel undesirable and less than human. You don't deserve that. I'm more sorry that you believe them.

Life is a lonely thing. Even people in relationships struggle with all the things you're struggling with. Most people lie to themselves in relationships. They're so hungry to have someone around that they lose pieces of themselves and compromise important things. Don't assume that being single is the soure of your unhappiness.

I'm really truly sorry that you're hurting. Know that I am here as a friend. I see you as incredibly valuable. I'm sorry if I misunderstood the intent of your poll and made a big deal out of this. I just happen to think your genuine happiness is a big deal.
magicmarmot
Dec. 12th, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
It was a pretty hard decision to try to not just be fluffy. And it's not really one that I'm entirely comfortable with yet, either. There are other aspects that I haven't gotten into because they are even deeper and darker, and I'm just not ready for them to be public yet to anyone.

I appreciate the kindness. It means a lot to me, even though I may not express that in so many words. Thank you.

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