Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Breakups and cognizance

They say that the calmest time is right before the storm, and the bleakest time is right before you get your ass handed to you by an invading army.

I was "with" Barb for twelve years. I turned 30 with her, I turned 40 with her. Our relationship spanned more than a decade.

When it ended, it went with a fizzle. It didn't explode like you'd hope it would, it sort of popped like a rancid abcess and drained for a really long time.

The reasons that it ended when it did were many and varied, but the why of the whole thing really boiled down to the fact that we were two different people who wanted different things, and even though we tried to be what we thought each other wanted (because that's what you're supposed to do, right?), it eventually got to be too much, and it had to end.

Except it didn't really end. It changed. The relationship became a sort of weird arm's-length friendship. It has a lot to do with the inextricable long-term finances and pets and *stuff* that couples accumulate when they are together for long periods.

And now it's burying me.

Barb is moving on, and more power to her. She's finishing up her degree, and eventually she'll be moving to a different state and a new life with a new man (sort of) and a future that is maybe a bit less bleak than the one that she had with me, at least in terms of what she wants and needs.

Really, I am happy for them both. They're good people.

There is the upcoming time of transition. Barb will be coming back to the house to finalize things, to pack up the remaining bits of stuff that she wants to take, to get the title straightened out once and for all, to help out with cleaning and fixing.

It's gonna be a really hard time on both of us.

Part of me is jealous that she's moved on. I know that it is inevitable and a good thing and I really want it to happen, but yeah, I'm down because I'm not involved with anyone. And it's silly.

Really, it's an utter crap time for me to even think about it. I'm in the midst of a big-ass depressive episode, I'm stressed beyond recognition both physically and mentally, I'm going to be living in the same house with my ex for some number of months, and I already don't have the energy to handle the responsibilities I do have.

And when I did break up, I made a decision that I did not want to settle for someone that wasn't right, that wasn't compatible. If I was going to give of myself to that depth again, I wanted to have it be someone with who I could trust and share and be solid with.

That may never happen. And I need to be able to let that be okay. I need to be okay with walking away from a relationship and into limbo because it was the right thing to do. And I need to be okay with remaining in limbo for as long as I need to be there.

Some days are easier than others.
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