Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

I find myself keeping secrets again.

There was a time when I decided that secrets were ultimately bad. They led to deception, to building walls between us that make it harder to love and be loved. Walls that take energy to maintain.

I don't like walls. I decided that I wasn't going to hold secrets anymore, that I was going to be open and honest about things in my life, blemishes and all.

And then it gets hard.

Some things I just don't talk about because I think that nobody really wants to hear about them. Bodily fluids and their consistency is one good example-- I don't think that anyone really wants to hear about the color and consistency of anything that my body generates, unless they have either a serious interest in pathology or are extremely weird.

If it's the second one, I just don't wanna know.

Then there are things that involve others. My journal is pretty marmocentric, because I choose to write about me and my feelings and experiences, but when it comes to others that are involved in my life, I don't always feel comfortable talking about someone else in what is pretty much a public forum. There are exceptions to that, but I do try and keep what could be embarrassing down to a minimum.

That makes it complex. On one hand, I want to talk about experiences and meaning to me, but if I do, I could potentially embarrass or make uncomfortable somebody else. In the end, I will usually err on the side of caution.

A notable exception as of late was the "incident" at the Holiday. I don't think that I did a particular violation of the other person's identity, since I really don't know who she was, and within that context I've pretty much treated her like a catalyst within the things I was discussing. But I think that I may have lost a friend over how I reacted, though it's probably in that straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back sense, and I'm betting that there are more than a few people who think less of me now than they did.

Then there are things like crushes. I think everyone has them to a degree, and for the most part I think that they're probably better off kept private. In the long run they're harmless, but it could be uncomfortable if I started listing every little crush I'd ever had. Think about it-- would you really want to know?

The biggest issue for me though is my weight, and the subsequent body image issues. I've been avoiding talking about my actual weight because I'm ashamed of it. And that's one of those things that really strikes me as being in direct opposition to the principles of honesty and openness and the things that I decided were bad. I don't honestly think anybody is going to freak out or laugh or use the information to hurt me in any way, but it's something that I am really sensitive about. It's something that I'm struggling with on a pretty much constant basis. It's a weakness. And I'm hiding it.

Maybe I shouldn't.

Really, would you think differently of me if you knew my actual weight? Would you be horrified? Disgusted? Full of pity? Or would it just be another thing anbout me, a number, a bit of data like my birthday or my age or my telephone number? WOuld you be amazed to discover that I weigh as much as a medium-large heifer or an upright piano or the Mars Explorer cruise configuration?

I may start posting things like progress behind a cut tag for those of you who just aren't interested. I need to not be afraid or ashamed.

But wow, is it hard.
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