I bitch an awful lot about being lonely. It's because it's a pretty central theme to my life right now, and it's rather preoccupatory. But there is a lot more to it that may shed some light on other aspects, so I shall iterate here:
I chose this path. I chose it knowing it would be lonely and painful. And knowing what I know I would choose it again, for the same reasons. The only regret is that I didn't choose it earlier, but regret buys nothing.
If I so chose, I could hook up with somebody and have a relationship just to be with somebody. I make an active choice not to do that.
There are friends that I have had a more than passing romantic interest in, and when tested, I made the choice to remain friends rather than risk becoming just another boink in a string. I'd rather be your friend for a long time than be your lovepuppy for a night or two.
I also know that right now, I am not capable of being a whole emotionally stable being. I don't have the ability to keep from fucking up my own life, I won't take the chance on being responsible for fucking up somebody else's. Same reason I don't want to be a daddy.
That may be a long-term decision. I've actually considered becoming a monk on more than one occasion, but two things stand in my way: the physical celibacy and the ties to specific religious sects-- I guess it's sects and sex. I like sex. I like to talk about it, I like to think about it, I like to do it. But there are problems that I really don't want to go into right now that make it somewhat difficult to find a willing partner.
It's the emotional celibacy that I find attractive.
And that flies in the face of all logic. I'd think that I'd be all over the emotional intimacy thing, but I also want to be distant from it, taken away from the temptation, from the risk, from the pain.
If I put up walls, I don't have to get too close. If I live behind physical walls, I don't have to put energy into maintaining the emotional ones.
And yeah, I'm lonely. It's an elaborate and exquisite kind of pain, but it's familiar, and it's mine.
Hey, is that fucked up or what?