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Awake and alive, and surprisingly no hangover. Or at least not as much of one as I expected.

Watching some movies today, I think. I know New Years is a time to be all social and smack, but I'm feeling a bit solitary. When you're alone, it can be a bit overwhelming hanging around with couples doing kissy-face things, and I'm not really feeling up to that today.

I should get outside and do some more shoveling or dog walking. Sadie has discovered that the bed being lower means she can get up on it a lot easier, and I've had a cuddly bed friend the last couple of nights.

Pondering today on coupleosis. That's my new term for the percieved need to be in a relationship; there's probably a better term for it, but it's only a label. It's the concept that's important.

At least among people I know, being involved in a relationship (be it a couple or more) is a huge thing. Most are already involved, and those that aren't desire to be. Not all, but we're talking the rare exception that find themselves single and happy.

Why is that?

On some level, I will accept the breeding instinct, the innate desire to propogate the species. I think that's more having to do with sex, but that does lead into the social structure that makes sex and competition for sex somewhat stratified with rules and structure.

But it's not just about sex. At least it better not be, or I'm screwed.

There is something deeper. An intimacy that is there, even beyond the bonds of friendship. Something that I crave, but I don't really understand.

It's not a need. I don't really need to be a part of a couple in order to exist. It is a want. And it's a deep-seated want. And I know I'm not the only one who wants it.

But what the hell? My desire should be to be with someone special, not an abstract concept. If I'm longing for the concept, I'm likely to make mistakes, to see women only through the filters of that concept rather than seeing them for who they really are. I don't know about you, but to me that seems like a problem just waiting to happen. If I get involved with someone because I see them through the filter of how well they fit my concept of the empty space inside me that I want filled, I may either not see other things about them (like their needs), or I may "bend" what I see about them to fit what I want.

Those of you who are happy in relationships may not get that.

It doesn't bode well.


Dec. 31st, 2005 10:09 pm (UTC)
I'm staying in tonight - I've been working on these charcoal animations and I don't want to squash my creative streak by boozing it up. I'm feeling internal, sensitive, ponderous. New Year's should be a time to reflect. Sometimes I think people are terrified of reflecting on their lives and the passing of time. Perhaps that's why insomnia can be so unbearable - there's nothing to do but think.

Couplosis - I think people are bored with themselves. "If only I had someone in my life - I would never be alone on a Saturday night."
Or perhaps people want to be rescued from their lives and thus fantasize that there's this special person out there that can actually do that - it would erase personal responsibility.
I remember feeling this way until I developed a sense of self reliance and a network of friends. I got into my art. I looked into myself and asked, "If I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, what can I do to make that life be worth living? What do I want to do?"

And when I was finally set, when I was truly happy being alone and had come to terms with it and focused on my art and made the decision to expand my horizons and take risks that were important to me

that's when I met Olaf. And boy was I pissed off and confused (because he *really* didn't fit into my newly embraced single-hood), but only for about a month. Being in a relationship is nice in that it gives one a sense of security, but I also know that if I am ever single again I'll be able to handle it and not fall into that Coupleosis way of thinking. I hope.

I must, however, add that having no sex sucks and that that's also another reason why people may succumb to coupleosis.

Hm. I think I'm going to take a walk before it gets all crazy out. Happy New Year, MM - I hope your health improves and that you find real happiness, however it may come along ;)

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