Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

  • Mood:
Sometimes the sticky pseudopods of life latch on to things that maybe you'd be better off without.

I had some prettty horrible things happen to me when I was a small child. Some of you know the details, but they really aren't all that important (or anything I really want to talk about right now). What is important is that they have affected my life in some very strong ways, like how I handle relationships both in the broad and narrow sense.

A narrow aspect of this is that I don't want children. I have nothing against parents or those who make the choice to raise kids-- some of my favorite people are parents-- but I am not equipped to be responsible for the life of another being, and keeping them whole and safe.

It also effects how I deal with romantic relationships. Some of those things are details which are probably not really something that you want to hear about, but on some level there are trust issues. I've tried to recognize that I have issues there and deal with them by being more open and forward, trying to be proactive in opening up some of the deeper aspects of myself, and learning to risk in a playground that I figured would be relatively safe. I think that maybe I've gone too far, that maybe it's not as safe as I thought it was. And yes, that is deliberately cryptic.

It also affects how I deal with personal issues. It's like fear: I've become enamored of the dark and spooky things because it's illusion, it's a safe way of facing fear. If I create it, I control it, and I have vanquished it. If I have something horrible in my past, I make jokes about it and reduce it to an object of ridicule. I own it. It is one way that I deal with the monsters in my closet, and it's probably the most effective for me.

But it only works for the monsters that are mine. When they are somebody else's monsters, those tricks don't work.

There are some horrible things happening with people that I consider to be friends. Things that I am powerless to help with.

There are some horrible things happening with me right now. Not as horrible as what friends have to deal with, but bad in their own right. I hope you understand that I really don't feel like talking about them right now, both out of respect for others and out of a bit of self-preservation.

I need to pull back some. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune hurt like a bitch.

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