I am severely toasted right now, but in accordance with severe disillusionment, it fits and is completely allowed.
First, I have many things to say to all of you, which I shall not do out of politeness and the fact that in the morning I will be more-or-less sober. In this case, take what you see as fit and leave the rest:
1.) I am pretty fuckin' amazing. Love me for who I am.
2.) I mean you no harm.
3.) Dammit, I'm pretty fuckin' amazing.
4.) I'm really not trying to get into your pants. If I really was, you'd know it and not just have some vague feeling that I might be.
5.) If you're on my friends list, I like you. You pass the fuckin' test already.
6.) I can think you're hot and still not be about getting in your pants.
7.) I wouldn't fit in your pants. Take this as you see fit.
8.) I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend when you needed me to be. If you think this might apply to you, it probably does.
9.) I am not the droid you're looking for.
10.) Did I mention that I'm pretty fuckin' amazing?
11.) Burning man requires a sense of humor.
12.) I can find you absolutely amazing, wildly attractive, and completely enthralling, yet still distance myself from you. And really, it's probably because I find you absolutely amazing, wildly attractive, and completely enthralling. Paradox? Perhaps. I prefer to think of it more as chickenshit.
13.) Big tits are not an end unto themselves. If I have to explain this to you, I get to smack you with a mackerel.
14.) If I flirt with you, I think you're safe. If you need to know what that means, I get to smack you with a mackerel.
15.) You don't really know me.
16.) I am not everybody's cup of monkey pus. Deal.
17.) I can occasionally be offensive. This is who I am. I talk about things that may sometimes be uncomfortable. It's how I deal with stuff that can be uncomfortable to me. If you find what I have to say offensive, I get to smack you with a mackerel. Probably repeatedly, because you haven't guessed by now that I can occasionally be offensive.
18.) Do not talk about Fight Club.
19.) I appreciate honesty and forthrightness far more than a desire to not hurt my feelings.
20.) Being naked does not necessarily mean being sexual, particularly when bacon or waffles are involved.
Enough for now. Suffice to say that stuff is funny again.