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Certain people have strong opinions about what you ought (or ought not) to be doing this week. If you can give them what they want without too much difficulty, you may as well comply with their wishes. It won't harm to let others take the lead while you quietly plan your next big move. Unless, of course, you feel you are being pressured into making a move that really goes against the grain. In which case, stand firm. Don't make any decision on the basis of a recent apparent failure. You have been more successful than you know.

Today your ego is unusually involved in communication with others. Consequently you are unusually touchy and irritable and likely to get involved in disputes with others. Your anger may be touched off at the drop of a hat. Or you may unconsciously provoke opposition by making remarks to others that cause them to feel threatened. On the other hand, you are also capable of great mental effort today. If you have to convince someone of a point of view or sell them something, you should be very effective, as long as you can avoid high-pressuring them. Assuming this, you will make a positive impression upon others with your enthusiasm, vigor and strength of purpose. But if you antagonize them, you will drive them away from your point of view.

Huh. Kind of at odds with each other, but at the same time comes a message that I may not be entirely clear in my communication with others, and I would do well to perhaps hold my tongue, or at least think about what I'm saying before I say it.

I suppose within the context of what's honking me off today, that's a pretty decent bit of advice. Then again, I'm not really sure when being diplomatic isn't good advice. Really, there are a lot of times that I want to say something that's probably not entirely appropriate. Usually I don't. Sometimes I do. I think it comes with getting older.

I got older recently. Hard to explain, but I don't get older continuously, it happens in stages. Or at least I recognize it in stages. I've come to understand that I'm of an older generation when it comes to things like interpersonal relationships and dating, which means that I'm pretty much a relic.

See, dating when you're over 30 (give or take a few years) takes on a different tone. As does I think dating when you're divorced. You become more wary, more looking for solidity and a lack of insanity rather than a good rack or a tight butt. Not to say that a nice firm derriere isn't a hearty bonus, but it becomes a little less necessary.

My "dating pool" (for lack of a better term) is pretty much weighted to women over 30. That's not to say that I wouldn't date women under 30, but there has to be something pretty damn amazing there for me to consider it in anything other than a friendly level. But past that turning point, it seems like things change a bit. I don't know if it's more nesting, realizing the effects of gravity and aging, having "been around the block" a few times, or something else entirely, but it seems less of a sport and more a genuine interest.

I don't seem to do casual dating well. Those who fall under my spell fall hard, but only for a while. Those that don't tend to go away quickly. In the end they all go away. Some just take longer than others.

I think I'm like a comfortable old chair, or an old blanket. Soething that is safe and warm and secure. That is fine for some of the time, but all of the time it gets to be boring. Women want variety in their relationships. So do men, but in a different way: women want one man who will be everything to them; men want a bunch of different women, each of whom fulfills some specialty. That's a whopping generalization, but I think there's some validity to it. Women who have affairs do so primarily because their emotional needs aren't getting met; men are more likely to go after physical needs.

Not saying that cheating on a spouse is a good option; I think there's a lot more wrong with a relationship when it gets to the "cheating" phase (or the "violation of trust" phase), but it happens. And it happens a lot more than it probably should, certainly more than anybody wants it to.

So I'm cynical about relationships. I keep looking at them and boiling down what I see, and what's left over can be really ugly and frightening. I see far too many people who are involved with someone else because it's too scary to be alone. I see a lot of people who have fooled themselves into believing that they're in love, even though they act out of fear. I see jealousy, and pettiness, and demanding, and manipulation.

And sometimes I see love.

But the love that I see? The stuff that lasts? It's respect. And admiration. And friendship and support and strength and comfort. It's all of the things that you need your friends to be.

So really, with friends and sex toys, who needs love?


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 30th, 2006 09:53 pm (UTC)
I'm totally a guy, then. I want stability in my relationships, and don't expect one person to fulfill every need (just some basic interrelated ones like wanting to have sex with me and feeding me).

Also, I'm totally curious to see how you'd assess me/my relationship (even with a lack of interaction/insight).
Jan. 30th, 2006 10:18 pm (UTC)
Wanting to have sex with you and feeding you are interrelated? There's a whole passle o' Freud there. :)

You're more atypical on a number of counts. First, you're over 30 and divorced, so you've already got the over-the-hump thing goin' on. Aside from that whole unavailable/uninterested thing, you're in my dating pool. You've also always been more atypical of women in your relationships.

Pretty much since I've known you, I've never really thought of you as a girly-girl, except for the odd moments when you have an "ooh, shiny" (and those ALWAYS take me by surprise). And I've pretty much always known you to be in the charge of vackovich, who is not known for his gentle and soft-spoken manner.

At the same time, you have an artistic and creative side, particularly in your design choices. Your aesthetic of interior design is not feminine; if I had to assign it a gender, I would probably say it is more masculine as you have a tendency toward linearity and contrast, as well as earth tones and blacks.

I think of you as being somewhat gender non-specific in your relationships. As much as I think youare primarily heterosexual, I firmly believe that there is a sparkly side to you that would become "seriously" involved with a woman if you found one who sufficiently challenged you. I think that if that happened, it would also bother you on some level, and you would hide that inside.

I also think of you as holding parts of yourself in reserve, even from those who are closest to you. Not a big surprise, as I think that's something that is learned from childhood.

The thing that strikes me as mostly anomalous about my mental image of you is your geek-marriage-that-was. Granted, I only hear of it in the past tense, and what insignificant dealings I have had with said former geek-spouse, but it just seems so much like a what-the-hell-were-you-thinking morning after a fermented gooseberry bender.

Like I'm one to talk, yo.
Jan. 30th, 2006 10:36 pm (UTC)
Well, sex and food are pretty much life-sustaining for me, so yeah the cigar may not just be a cigar.

You're dead on in the design department. My condo is the most cohesive expression of myself in a space I've lived. I almost wish I had less furniture so I could go even more minmalist.

I firmly believe that there is a sparkly side to you that would become "seriously" involved with a woman if you found one who sufficiently challenged you. I think that if that happened, it would also bother you on some level, and you would hide that inside.

Sometime I'll tell you about my college crush/girlfriend, Brittany. I once talked briefly about her in front of James and our buddy Rob. They said they understood what she meant to me because I got the "ten thousand yard stare" a guy gets when he talks about a woman. So, yeah. Relationships with women are more intense and it makes me more vulnerable/uncomfortable... not because I have a problem with a relationship of someone of the same gender, but because women I'm attracted to get under my skin more. The highs are higher, the lows lower... and hurts a lot when they fail.

As I get farther away from my marriage and subsequent divorce, I almost think of that time as time spent as another person. Who I am now is most like who I was before I met my ex. Sure, I'm more refined and have a little extra baggage, but I'm not nearly as tense, codependant and stupid as I was. The relationship would have been just fine as an experiment in whether shared interests made for a good relationship if I'd ended it after 4 years instead of following this crazy notion that if I just worked harder and compromised more, he would love/respect me more and the relationship would be better. I think a large contributing factor to that whole cycle was symptoms of depression I experienced due to hormonal birth control. It was mere months from the time I quit BCP before I left him.
Jan. 30th, 2006 10:56 pm (UTC)
I find it interesting that you talk about relationships here in the sense of "when" they fail, as if it's inevitable, and the vulnerability that comes with that. Makes me think that you prepare on some level for the relationship to end.

Or I could be reflecting my own crap onto you. Or maybe a little of both.
Jan. 30th, 2006 11:03 pm (UTC)
Well, I haven't had a relationship with a woman that didn't end, and the vulnerability comes from someone being able to know me better than I expect.

I certainly did prepare for relationships to fail when I was younger because I knew my wide self-destructive streak would kill it eventually. I think occasionally about how I'd go about my life if I were alone, but I'm no longer actively provoking relationship suicide like I did when I was younger.
Jan. 30th, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
You're certainly right about one thing...
Women over 30 are VASTLY superior. ;-)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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