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Feb. 2nd, 2006

Went up to Casa de Bruno last night to shoot the last insert for the first round cut of the movie. Really it was much more of a social visit, since the actual shooting didn't commence until quite late, and ended up being fairly quick (single insert of a knife entering a torso with some fun blood-spurting effects). avindair was pretty sick still, but managed to crawl out from under his blanket long enough to get the shot, which is maybe a second long. I actually served a couple of purposes, both holding the stunt torso and acting as a black background (black T-shirt) against the shot. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to get, but in retrospect, I think it's probably better than what I had originally planned.

Part of the general social discussion came around to me and the Big Broken Box™. Fearless Leader made the observation that since I've moved back into the abyss, my health and mood have deteriorated significantly, and I should really consider getting the hell out.

It's a real shredder. I am completely in agreement that the Box is a primary contributor to my deteriorating mental state, but there are other considerations. I'll try and get them down in some sort of coherent fashion.

1.) The house is not what I need. It's a large single-family home on a city lot. It's way too big for me alone now, and I rarely use the space. I could get by with half the living space easily and comfortably as long as I had a huge workshop and studio area.

2.) The lot is too small. I have a dog that would really love the ability to have a bigger yard and space to run and chase squirrels. Plus there really isn't room to build a studio.

3.) While I could make some extreme remodeling changes to remake the house into something more along the lines of what I need, it isn't the best use of the space, and that money wouldn't be something I'd recoup in selling it.

4.) The house is laden with memories of a failed relationship and dreams that are never gonna happen now.

5.) It's broken in some pretty big ways. The front porch is the biggest right now, and that's an expensive remodel. I can't afford to pay a contractor to do it, so I'm doing it myself, and it's a lot more work than I had planned. It needs a lot of work yet, and I may be better served puttng that energy into building a new place that more fits what I want to do.

6.) All the crap that's in the house makes it difficult to live in it. I need to go through stuff and get rid of it, but I am highly unmotivated to actually do it because I am so overwhelmed.

7.) Walking away from the house now would mean a huge hit in the equity. I'd lose a chunk of change probably more than my annual salary.

8.) The house title is still in limbo.

9.) Walking away would be admitting defeat.

10.) My mental and emotional health suffers in that house. I don't know how much of it is the house and how much is me, but I think it's a feedback loop.

1.) I really like the neighborhood. It's close to Uptown, lakes, parks, and it's pretty centrally located to everything. It's really a pretty premium location, or kind of a "second-tier" neighborhood. While I would hate to move out of the neighborhood, there is nothing in the area that would fit what I want.

2.) The house has good "bones". Hardwood floors, oak trim and cabinets, steel understructure, real wood fireplace.

3.) I recently updated the heating system with a new boiler, and it works really well.

4.) I know how to do the work, and given enough time, I can do it.

5.) My credit rating sucks donkey balls, so getting a loan at a decent rate for anything new is a horribly scary proposition. Plus my current payments are about as high as I can comfortably go, and I don't think anything I could buy in that same price range would be close enough to the 'Cities that commuting would be fun.

Overwhelmingly negative point-for-point.

What I've been planning is keeping the house for a couple more years, trying to fix my credit rating so I can get a loan at a decent rate, getting the title straightened out, and remodeling the house to make it a lot more presentable as a for-sale property. The problem is that another couple of years may not be exactly healthy.

Other options include just selling it outright as is to something like Homevestors and taking a big hit on the equity and potential; getting a roommate to help with the money and/or remodeling work; arson or explosives; I don't know what else.

My current job is moving to Eden Prairie, so a less-than-30-minute commute would be ideal. I'm at 20-30 minutes currently.

A lot is hinging on the inspection of the foundation work that I have coming up on Monday. If that passes inspection, I can continue work on the front porch with the framing and all. If it doesn't and I end up having to tear out all the concrete work that I've done, I think it may just about break me.

Regardless of what avenue I decide to take, I need to make a great purging of stuff. That's not news, but I think I need some long-term help in doing it.

I think I'm not a complete person right now because of this.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 2nd, 2006 05:31 pm (UTC)
damn, I totally understand suffocation to stuff.
I promise I'd be there with boots on if I were closer, I'm becoming a star at purging.
I wish that helped.

I feel sure that if you could really clean it out you would feel lighter in every fibre of your life and feel solid, or strengthening, in your beautiful core.

from this distance, I'm just a cheerleader.
gimme a "P"!!!

(when you google image search cheerleader, you mostly get porn).
Feb. 2nd, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)
here, this is for fun
Feb. 2nd, 2006 07:30 pm (UTC)
Ooh, Shiny!
Feb. 2nd, 2006 06:18 pm (UTC)
and I wonder, if you did purge your stuff would the big broken box be a different home for you?
But I get the single guy in too much space thing. last spring I sold a two story in New Brighton. It was a house with faileure permeating it. Selling a house is a learning curve for sure. What you think needs to be done might not be necessary. What you might overlook might be very important. Most homes your age have porches that resemble the backdrop for Dr Caligari anyway (or was it the Somnabulist) cant remember. It is a buyers market but fortunately for you, the location is your strength. Paint the walls remove all the furniture to make rooms appear larger. Any artwork on the walls should be glass covered to reflect light. I had a professional come in and arrange all my furniture for me. Where will you go next? If purging possessions cannot make that home more desiraBle to you get it on the market immediately as every early spring (Jan)is the time. Pull it by June and try again the next spring. Purge!! I know a junk yard on Como that will take huge trailers full of disposables cheaply. And if you are purging let me lend a hand for a couple hours okay?
Feb. 2nd, 2006 07:29 pm (UTC)
if you did purge your stuff would the big broken box be a different home for you?

Yes and no.

I know I need to purge. I have too much *stuff*. Detritus from a decade of being involved with someone who is more of a pack-rat than I am, with having a mom who likes to bring me stuff to show me how much she loves me, and my own inability to throw away stuff that I might possibly be able to use someday in the future when I get around to it.

But even with a thorough purge, and a nice front porch, and a remodeled bathroom and kitchen, it's still tainted in a way. I thought I was beyond that kind of influence, but I'm beginning to believe that I'm weaker than I want to believe I am.

Lots of belief there.

And if you are purging let me lend a hand for a couple hours okay?

I shy away from having people over to the house. It's embarassing. I'd love the help, but I'm nervous. Make sense?
Feb. 2nd, 2006 07:47 pm (UTC)
fresh eyes, and eyes not attached to any of the stuff, plough through with ease.
friends who don't judge a mess (cos in my circle of friends I was the clutterjunkie) and offer to help, bring it on!
Feb. 2nd, 2006 08:00 pm (UTC)
I am no martha stewart. I have seen it all. (really I mean that)
Feb. 2nd, 2006 08:02 pm (UTC)
and I have time this weekend
six five one five eight seven two six two eight
dead body removal is a specialty
Feb. 2nd, 2006 08:22 pm (UTC)
But I want to keep my dead bodies.
Feb. 2nd, 2006 08:03 pm (UTC)
my friend, one friend in particular, like to laugh at my chaos. the closet in my bedroom was empty but the floor was knee deep in clothes.

it's not reflective of anything except out of placeness.
order can be restored, calm, big breath.
good stuff.
Feb. 2nd, 2006 07:10 pm (UTC)
Just a suggestion...
but I'm HORRIBLY bad @ throwing stuff away. Sometimes I need a friend to come over & walk me through a toss-it binge. Sometimes one just needs a little support & a friendly presence to let go, even if the clutter isn't something positive in your life.

Wishing you better house karma in any case.
Feb. 2nd, 2006 07:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Just a suggestion...
Thanks. House karma is a good thing.

I know all the "rules". If you don't use it, if it's not an absolute essential, if it's not a precious memory, keep/sell/toss, all that.

It's more the overwhelmingness of it all.

If I had money, I'd pay people to do it and just make it go away. Except I know I can't do that.
Feb. 2nd, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
That's why sometimes having someone w/ you can help, even if s/he doesn't do anything. A second person can just give you a whole different perspective, because it's not her/his stuff. It's not so overwhelming, & that can help (it surely helps me) to get it done.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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